Of Knitting,Thieving, and Changes.

Hello Internet,

As reminiscent as that statement seems, it doesn't feel appropriate anymore. This site was made to bitch and moan about Junior year. About all the people you meet and the changes that affect life. Somewhere along the way I lost that. So in true Hunter fashion, I've stolen some of Edwards magic and I'm starting over. Abandoning the ship with 57 days to spare.
We all know that I'm changing schools next year, I'm not subtle about it. I was determined to stick this blog out, but I hate it! I hate the posts, I hate the words. This isn't a good space anymore, there is so much spite and pain here now. I want to start over, I want to have a clean slate where the past doesn't affect the present. I'm going to make a new blog, and focus on new things.
I'm going to make this a brainstorm post, and I'll add the url for the new blog soon.

• Weekly knitting pattern
• bigger projects get more time 
• blankets/sweaters/etc
• Fashion
• OOTD(?)
• Current styles I'm loving
• How to dress up a band shirt Saturday(?)
• Quotes!
• Weekly themes that have quotes!
• 5 sentence Life updates
• One paragraph to talk about the big events (daily?)
• Week wrap up
• summary of the week
• pro/con list
• weekend forecast + week to come
• Book club
• monthly book to read
• review of last month's book
• whats on my To Read list

• Sundays for TV and movies
• What shows am I watching
• What did I think of the latest episode
• What movies did I see that week
• What did I think
• Life stories
• only the big ones
• first kisses/family dinners/etc
• Embellishments
• NANOWRIMO
• IMPORTANT NEWS
• whats going on in the world 
• whats important
• how to help
• Story talks 
• what am I working on
• how do i work characters 
• Tuesday is anime day
• What am I watching
• What manga am I reading
• reviews
• what's on my list to watch next

That list is just a few things we can expect from the new space. 

Now I have to figure out what to call it.
UPDATE: It's called Unraveling

Song of the day is Heat of the Moment by Asia
Goodbye old blog.

-xohunter

Living on the Silver Lining.

Hey.

Something I've come to realise in the last three months is, nothing is ever what it seems. I've created my own world, a bubble where the most drama comes from my mother, people aren't mean without a reason, and everything works out. I believe that with all my heart, everything works out. It's come to my attention that not everyone thinks that way. Some people are determined to live through the apocalypse, so they make one.

All the Chicken Littles screaming about the sky and how it's falling. It never falls, crumbles a little bit? Sure, that's what happens when somethings billions of years old, it's bound to get a little decrepit.

What I'm trying to say is that it's never the end. No matter how bleak things may look, there is always a way out. Nothing will be handed to you, but if you believe you'll be able to do great things, you will. You can't control life, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself. Take responsibility for your mistakes, and move on. Ratify them if you can, and keep going.

This is a shorter post than normal because some personal life stuff reminded me that some people need reminding about faith.

Song of the day is Folkin Around by Panic! at the Disco.
-xohunter

.deep breath.

Whew.

Hey Internet,

I know our last update was heavy, I kinda left you out on the ledge. Hope you can forgive me that indiscretion, I haven't felt like updating until now. Personally, I still don't want to update. I just want to let this thing rust and fall back into obscurity, but who would I be if I let that happen? Plus I have some renewed vigor thanks to the amazing web comic called Check Please! (Please check this out, it has everything you'd ever need, and pie.) The main character Eric "Bitty" Bittle is a vlogger/blogger by trade. He mainly blogs about recipes and any juicy drama going on with his college hockey team. I connect with this character, mainly because I've given myself the small mission in life of documenting my teen laments for posterity's sake.

Now onto bigger news, I'm transferring schools! Yep, that's right it's finally happened. Hunter L. Baugus will be joining normal people school this coming August. Edwards thinks the structure will be good for me, I can't help but agree. With all the freedoms Ipoly offered me it didn't give me the ability to have little boxes to separate work and play. I hope everything goes well next August, my first public school experience left much to be desired. Plus, I now have even bigger targets on my head. The chubby-pansexual-feminist-drama kid. What a nom de plume.

I'm going to start looking for a job soon, it's March, which is a good time to submit applications for the spring season. My stomach churns just thinking about leaving the safety of Ipoly. I'm going to forcefully evacuate myself into the vacuum of the real world. Talk about bad ideas with noble intentions. Honestly the job scares me less than the aspect of having to go through senior year at a public school. I know it's not that bad (and Ipoly was a public school too, a weird public school, but a public school none the less.) I just don't know how I'm going to get along with people that are already there. The usual garbage is floating in my brain "What if they don't like me???!??!!?" Well I already know that some people there are just going to hate me on the spot (if they remember me) so what's the point in worrying, they don't like me anyway.

I like me though, and although we've surly hit some rough patches, I think I'm turning into an okay adult. (Even though I have yet to make myself food, and I'm avoiding my homework because I don't know what it is....) I hope this is the right way to do this.

Okay that's enough babbling for this update, I understand that I haven't really addressed what's been happening in my absence, the answer is confusing so instead I leave you with a playlist (to make up for the missed "song of the day"s.)
The playlist can be found on pucksdaughter at 8tracks
-xohunter

Spin.

Being out sick for three days is a death wish, and it's one that I signed.

There are a lot of things going on in the nothing right now. I'm becoming more self aware and I keep finding that I love/hate it. I'm falling more and more in love with my friends, because honestly they are amazing. I hardly deserve their unending support. I think that it something that I figured out, that it is unending. Whenever I think they're mad at me they most likely aren't and I need to stop being so obsessive in that matter.
On top of that little matter, I think I'm starting to figure out what triggers my mood swings and I'm learning to isolate those things and stop them. Hard work, but worth it in the end.
Things feel weird now that I'm encroaching on adulthood. For one, my grades are kinda shit right now, mostly my fault with the hand of fate mixed in. As well as my science teacher making incomplete work a zero. That's really stupid and frustrating because even if I give effort, it doesn't matter because his homework isn't based on effort, it's based on completion. There is very little hope of me bringing those grades up by the end of the semester, as it concludes formally on Tuesday. Whatever, beds made, so I'm laying in it.
I think that's the change, there used to be this rush to make everything perfect and a panic if I didn't have the time. Now it's just acceptance. I fucked up, I'm going to have a hell of a time taking summer school, oh well. I'm kinda hoping mom will let me transfer second semester, I don't think she will. With the grades I have now I won't graduate Ipoly. How weird that I'm not as panicked as I should be.
I'm hoping for the best and throwing myself into making it better. I think if I can pull out second semester with and AP or higher I won't have to repeat the class. Not sure though...

Just updates happening in this post I guess, minor ones.
Song of the day Favorite Record by Fall Out Boy
-XOhunter

UPDATE:
Because of my mood swings and the insecurities I've been having I feel into the trap of being an emotionally manipulative, creepy, horrible, scuzzball.  Honestly I've lynched people for less than the things I've done. And karma got back at me good, and I lost three very good friends because of my actions. They had every right to do this and with the knowledge I now possess, the only thing I can do is plunge into the murky depths of the future with renewed purpose. To never hurt anyone else like I hurt them.
Hard work. So worth it in the end.
I'm adding this onto the post because I think it ties in nicely with growing up. You don't just learn the good things, you learn the bad things too. Now I have a choice, and I'm going to make the right one.
Song of the day Jet Pack Blues by Fall Out Boy.
-xohunter

The Madness of Two.

Who wants to hear you sing about tragedy?

Words to sum up the last two weeks, yep it’s been another friend dropping, low self esteem nightmare. Detox just to retox has apparently become my banner call. I’m just trying to get by living, doing everything I can to stay alive. Vivian, Danny, and Peyton keep up with the “It’s okay, we’re friends, it’s okay…” They’re right of course, it’s to be expected. I’m not supposed to be happy, I’m the artist. This leads us to some new possibilities.

The second song on Fall Out Boy’s Folie a Deux is I Don’t Care. Maybe that is how I have to go about this, the staggering heights and the hellish lows all culminating into I Don’t Care. Even last night, I felt like I was intruding on someone’s good time, and like I shouldn’t be there at all. There was this weight on my chest that was keeping me from speaking, and gods do I wish that I could have said something. I didn’t run away though, I kept my promise.

That’s just who I am, a person. I ultimately love every part of myself, but I don’t think my friends should have to deal with me like they obviously do. With soft smiles, and mild words. Like you would treat someone who would shatter at any moment. Someone who could be knocked out with a feather.

America’s Sweethearts is next on my list of maddeningly accurate Fall Out Boy songs. Nothing describes me more than “I’m in love with my own sin.” But still it’s the favorite of so many fans, and even the band loved that album (before it got so much hate.) I feel just like it, underappreciated and a little hurt by the reaction to me most of the time. It’s completely understandable though, I live on such a sensitive scale. One gram off, and the whole thing is thrown out of whack.

Essentially I’m trying to say that I am totally the album Folie a Deux.

Which is funny because that’s what the Song of the day is, that whole fucking album. Check it out wherever you can

Folie a Deux by Fall Out Boy.

-xohunter

Drugstore Perfume.(12*10*14)

It started with the slipping.
In and out of consciousness, in and out of dream states. The confusion of what I was hearing and seeing to what I was feeling. Like actually feeling, the cotton sofa cushion from my bedroom on came into clear view when my grandfather was yelling at me to get up and ready for school. Next came the texts from Vivian, those weren't really strange, but the way time moved was. It was fast paced ( I was late and moving as quickly as I could, but still had time to look at the texts and respond?) Turns out I wasn't late at all, I was early? Which didn't make sense, my grandpa even said I was late.

Vivian had unconsciously suggested a setting of intent for the day. She said it was going to be a good day and she was going to have fun. I looked at my sock and noticed a small hole in it, I felt an instant connection and understood that I felt like that little hole. Which was weird, and I decided that was going to be my day. Strangeness because emotionally connect with a sock is a little bit odd. I guess I didn't really know what I was asking for because I got it.
Starting in science. I've missed a lot of school due to sickness and familial issues and stuff, Mr. Pang noticed and was a little upset about it. He quickly changed the subject to that of the test, "You were here to learn everything so I should give you the test," He said, my grades hanging in the balance,
"But I'm not going to, you can take it next week if you tell me right now what day you're taking it."
I nodded furiously and scheduled my make up test for next Tuesday.

Thanking the god/desses of luck for smiling on me at that moment. I took my seat at the back of the class, rapidly copying notes from Bailey in hopes of getting some credit on my notebook. When I look up and see a crow. A little omen maybe? I look back down trying to figure out if I could draw stick figures before third block, when I looked up and there were two crows. Large crows, might I add. Then there were five and they all took flight giving way to even more crows. I stopped counting after 10 but I'm sure there were more. That was odd, I mouthed to Vivian and discreetly motioned to the crows. She nodded and I went back to spacing out.
Song of the day is actually a playlist found on Grooveshark.
-xohunter

Ipoly's Labyrinth

I don't have strep throat anymore!

Okay that isn't entirely true, I more then likely still have the virus (bacteria?) in me, I'm just no longer contagious and therefore I can go to school. Which I did today. As normal I forgot how little I enjoyed being in a school environment. It would be different if the people didn't suck, but they do. It was an eventful first day back, and will be a hellish week to follow. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do in order to make up the work that I'm missing. (Like the 10 assignments I'm missing in Pang's class. Chemistry is a bitch.) 

I also got to see everyone and figure out what happened while I was gone. Looks like my best friend is back with their ex. (See I love it because, I call everyone my best friend so no one really knows. To be clear I only refer to my Inner Circle as my best friends. I made a post about it...) And everyone is feeling the impending doom of break. Mr. Hedman also made me laugh because of his class today. I find myself increasingly done with algebra II. The subject matter is hard and bothersome. Maddie Doctor and I spent the morning in a tissy trying to figure out what in the hell we were supposed to be doing, eventually we gave up and just drew sperm (which actually came out to the right answer! Yay.) 

Lunch was eventful today, as I essentially called my friends out and told them they needed to look within themselves to find their inner path to true happiness. Because as sad and moody as I am, I know in the grand scheme I'm going to end up fine. Due to that I have this inner peace that just exists. I think it has to do with my abilities as a seer. Which is all very complicated and involves a lot of links and is very personal. Even though I'd like to share that part of me with the world (or at least find someone whose like me) I get the feeling that it doesn't work that way.

Fourth block was fun. Vivian and I got to hang out and just chill. Edwards and the Junior team were making the second semester project, so all the Juniors in the room (Vivian, Bailey, and I) had to vacate the premise. This led to Viv and I moving to the Sophomore corridor stairway grotto thing. It's a little landing after the top of the Sophomore staircase that everyone hangs out at. Except forth block because everyone has class

 The main frustration of the day; Sexist Teenage Boys and Girls Who Excuse Their Actions. 

I get that dating people makes you see things all weird and caddywompuss. That doesn't excuse the fact that teenage boys who have a secret chat where they are sexist and misogynistic is okay. Even if your boyfriend belongs to the chat and says stuff, it is still not okay to use the excuse "He's in a chat with a bunch of guys!!!" That means jack shit. They are still creeps no matter if they are in a room full of men or by themselves. It's behavior like that, that spreads the idea that it's okay to think that way. (lots of 'that's in that sentence.)

Sometimes I don't get why people just let important issues go to the wayside. My reason for being aggressive about political and social issues like that may be due to what Chloe calls my "Ability to do the hard stuff". We were discussing why people lie and she told me it was because people don't like awkward situations where they have to face their dirty laundry. The same argument was brought to me today in History class as we were reading about early immigrants. Americans didn't want immigrants to come into the country after awhile and while most write it off as an economic thing, another reason was that White American immigrants didn't want to own up to their history as immigrants.

These were just some thoughts that were rattling around my brain, I will likely update you again tomorrow, or maybe Wednesday. Depending on how homework/notebook/sleep scheduled goes.

The song(s) of the day can be found on this playlist. Keep an eye on it because I will be adding more songs to it when time permits.

-Xohunter

Strepping Up

I have strep throat.
Yeah, this kinda sucks and it takes me out of the running for school until Monday, which will be hella I'm sure. Because missing three days at Ipoly is like missing a whole week. I am sure that it wont prove to want to make me throw myself into the sea.

Speaking of which, I would love to visit the sea, so if any followers or readers have any beach front property they'd like to rent out for a limerick or two. I'm positive we could come to an agreement. With all that being said, I'm doing quite nicely.

I'm confined to my room for the next three days, I have a party to go to on Saturday (which I'm hoping I'm better for) and a lot to do before I can save anyone. So what am I doing instead? Browsing tumblr and making playlists. Very bad ones too, I only listen to shitty emo pop-punk. (That's not actually true, but you'd get more weird stuff from my love Peyton. Or my second love Vivian.)

When I actually start updating stuff, I'll let you know and add some links or something. I will most likely be making them through Spotify or maybe Grooveshark. Not sure though.

Today's song of the day is Flaws by Bastielle.
It's just a good song and I remember that I found comfort in it.
-XOhunter

Winter Is Coming.

Whenever winter starts to role around, my body shits itself.
Mucus and coughing, I look like a victim of the black death. I feel a hundred times worse though, because my chest is heavy and it's hard to breath. As well as my head pounding and this annoying pressure right behind my eyes. The only thing I want to do is sleep when I'm like this. Unfortunately I do have to do things, like school. School is the worst when you're sick, because not only can you not focus, but you're in pain.

The good news is that it's raining and that's always fun. Although it's really cold, wear a blanket to school cold. (And before anyone says "You don't know cold!!!!11!1!" Stop. You're right it's colder where you're at. But I'm still going to complain.)

School has been pretty uneventful on a whole. Today was a typical rainy day, everyone is too tired to do anything and the teachers are kinda done. Everyone is pretty done.
That doesn't stop the work from piling up though:

This week 12/1-12/5

• Math worksheet (2)
• Science worksheet (1)
• Science test
• Science lab (?)
• Blog assignment
• Recitations 

Next week 12/8-12/12

• Component five all week
• Probably more math
• Also more science
• Nav's Notebook (this thing will make everything suck)

Last week before break 12/15-12/19

• Component five due
• Component six intro
• Math test
• Work on English final
• "house party" or an excuse to be assholes.

Then I get to be done with school for a few weeks. Then you come back and it happens again.

Hard to stay positive when I feel like death. I'm managing though, and I'm glad that it's almost over. 

Song of the day is Shadow Play by The Killers

-XOhunter

Back to Work.

Back to school.

While breaks make you feel like you're wasting all your time and that you're not doing anything productive, the pragmatic dogma that is school sucks the soul out of your body. It's always hard the first day because no one wants to focus. As well as the fact that everyone is tired. Their sleeping schedule is all messed up and no one really wants to be there. Breaks are a beast, they mess up everything that the system builds throughout the year.

The break is needed though, before break everyone was dead and grey. At least we come back somewhat revived. Though I don't think that's a good thing. Mixing the revival of break and the horribleness of the Junior class is like mixing C4 and gasoline. It causes an explosion of dramatic proportions. I think we're going to be the most hated class in all of Ipoly history, and that makes me upset.

That's my claim to fame right now, "Three years of teachers literally hates my class and wishes they would be dismissed." I wish I could be dismissed, I wanted to make this year the absolute best but I don't think that it's going to happen. I want the Junior class to be nice, I want the teachers to be happy. And most of all I want my friends to be happy. I feel like we're all caught in a riptide, being sucked up by this void of negativity.

I don't know if I've got enough happy to make this year good for everyone. I hope that they can find their own happiness, because they deserve to be happy.

That's all I have for you. A short plea to the universe to bring something good to us.

Song's of the day can be located on a playlist here
-XOhunter

Break Time

Hello wonderful human.
So I live in America, home of the capitalist and dirty cop/politician/teacher. We get one week off (depending on your school code or whatever) because some asshole decided to commit genocide on and indigenous population. (Christopher "The OG Fuckboi" Columbus) Now this is not to remember this tragady and promote awareness for the current state of said Native population (Check out this resource pack to educate yourself on their culture this week), but instead it is to uphold the image of the sham that was the first feast with the pilgrims (the 100 British men who settled in Virginia before it was Virginia) shared with their Native friends. When in actuality it was the wise Natives who shared with the European savages who forgot that winter was a thing. They essentially held the Natives at gun point and told them to plant corn. (assholes)

Now that we've established that "Thanksgiving" is fucking stupid, let's continue.

We get a break during this week so we can over indulge on food on Thursday, and then the following Friday spend money to boost the winter sales of businesses. Students know it as the last week before hell. Because, like spring break, thanksgiving break means hellish amounts of work before winter break. I personally don't like to think about it because it's kind of a downer. So instead I spend the week living like I will die the following Monday morning. Exorbitant food, movies, and candy. This year I was also going to try and get a date or two, but I've decided to postpone until further notice.

As it so happens I may acutally get time to update the blog, and depending on my mood, fill in some of the gaps that may have appeared over the course of Junior year.

Also I'm starting the count down until the end of Junior year (I'm going to try and find a widget too).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6 MONTHS 11 DAYS TO GO UNTIL THE END.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's it for me today kiddos, be save this next week and if you're in America, go volunteer and feed the less fortunate.
Song of the day is I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy, And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me by Fall Out Boy
-XOhunter

Better Late Than Never.

Sometimes I'm really good at writing.

Other times I leave things to collect dust and claim that "The idea just wasn't good enough" or "This just shouldn't get posted." Because you get taught that, no you don't have to publish everything. It's about quality not quantity. I'm all caught up in a world that wants me to quantify myself. Quantify my answers, quantify my plan for the next ten years. I'd rather have more to build off of, than try and build from perfection.

So I left summer spaces to rot, because everything that was happening was happening so quickly. I was also really fucking sad, and trying to convince myself not to be so I wouldn't drag down my friends. Now I realize how stupid that was. I couldn't make myself happy for them, because I was focusing on them. Trying to be perfect for them, turns out that I needed to look at myself and become happy for me. And how do I get anything done? Quantity. Do a lot and make it count.

So that's what I'm going to do. Because it's stupid to let the worlds need for perfection run my life. I'm so not perfect and that's great. Now I have something to build off of. You can't make a diamond any shinier, but you sure as hell can get broken glass pretty sparkly. I'll take all these little pieces I deemed unworthy or grotesque and I'll post them anyway.

Because that's the only way I'll get stuff done, if I do it a lot.

Onwards and Upwards.

Song of the day is Miracle Mile by Cold War Kids

-xoHunter

Feelings to a lesser degree.

Friendship is a weird thing.
You love your friends with all your heart, you'd kill for them, you'd die for them. Sometimes this message gets lost in the sea of tomfoolery that is high school. That is what is happening to me.

There are a few things you have to know about me and how I operate before my take on friendship actually makes sense.

1) I am sticky.
When I get into a relationship of any kind (friendship,mateship, new parental figureship) I will extensively evaluate who they are, what they believe, and how good of a person they are. I normally have a pretty good judge of character so if you pass my test, you are automatically in my inner circle. That being said, my inner circle is relatively small (for me anyway) because the test isn't easy to pass. Most people don't and they end up in my outer circle. What does this have to do with me being sticky? When you come into the inner circle, I will begin my spiral of caring about you. I will ask if you're okay, I will do things to make you smile, and I will fight to spend time with you. And here's where the sticky comes into play, even if we stop being 'friends' I will still care about you. It's just who I am, so from afar or through what mutual friends we have, I will ensure your emotional happiness and security. The same goes for the outer circle, it's just not as intense.
2) I am jealous.
If you make it to the inner circle and you have a datemate, or someone else who gets more of your emotions then I do, I will become vehemently jealous. I require a lot of attention. This attention can be given to me in multiple ways that are not the direct "OMFG besties." You texting me first, asking me questions/for advice, you giving me something (New poem, present, song recommendation, piece of food, hug), and finally just plain attention. So if there is someone else in your life, that's all good with me, but if they get your attention first or more then me, then I get pissy. This is my problem, and it's just sorta who I am, I'm trying to learn how to deal with it better. The thing is, when I get angry about it I come up with little things like "Why didn't you just hug me, hug me and I would have been fine." Or various other phrases. So in that sense, I'm a little high maintenance.
3)I have a habit of changing mood really (really) quickly.
One minute I'm sunshine and kittens, the next I'm a doom and gloom monsoon. This is because my thoughts (and memories) come in at a mile a minute, so one minute I will be thinking sunshine and kittens, the next I'm thinking that all my friends hate me and none of them want to be near me. This ties into jealousy because I need near constant reassurance that you love me and don't want me to go away. Like jealousy, they don't have to be huge things, one of my favorite ones is when Vivian posts pictures of songs that remind her of me. That is one of the best ways to do it, because the song gives the words for you or it's directly related to memories that will trigger a happy mood from me.
4) I can be really (really) ambitious.
When I set my mind on something, it's going to happen. I don't care about the fall out, I don't care about the discomfort I might experience. Because of this and my resourcefulness, I often times cook up some semi- dangerous scenes and sorta demand participation. It always makes for good stories though. This is sorta my bow, because it is a great culmination of all my traits. I demand my inner circle to be apart of whatever the scheme is, I get jealous when they wont, my mood goes dark, and boom angry energy and a seriously intense plan. (This can also go positively which is always nice.)

Now thing is, not all my friends in my inner circle know that they are in the inner circle. Let's face it, the fact that I have a list(circle) of who gets priory of my feelings is kinda exclusionary. So I can't just tell them that they are in the inner circle because that would be shitty of me. This creates confusion, especially when they don't (I don't want to say follow my rules, but it's kind exactly that.) I get grumpy at them. They think they are being terrible friends, and the whole thing spirals into a mess.
This is my public service announcement. This is me and how my head works. I will always love my friends (#1 Sticky) You will inevitably piss me off (# 2,3) But I will always want to have you in my life (#4). I will love all my friends until the day I get left behind, then I'll love them a little bit more.

Song of the day is Vegas by All Time Low 
Go hug your friends and tell them they mean everything.
-xohunter

Two Hands.

WARNING: the following blog post contains triggering material and detailed talks of self harm and depression.

If you're sad/depressed/hurting, please know that you're not alone and there is always help. If you're in the US please call: 1-800-273-8255 

If you're outside the US please visit www.suicide.org and find your country. 

October is a bad month for me. 

While simultaneously being the best month of the year.

The worst because this is when I’m at my lowest. I remember my dad dying, and my hospitalization. The few times I’ve tried to end my life, and the more than few times I’ve thought about it. This month is my trigger month, because it’s my birth month. And despite the progress I’ve made in the past few years (and especially the past few months.) I still can’t quite shake the fact that I wish I had never been born. It’s hard, because I've finally decided to love myself, but the idea still remains.

Ever since I was little I thought my family shouldn’t have kept me. I used to wish my mom would have never had me. Later I wish they would have left me on a cliff side like the Romans. As I got older I would come back to the notions that I should correct their mistake. Make their lives better by ending mine. I only ever saw myself as a nuisance. I only ever saw myself as this event that should never have happened.

Instead of killing myself, I would self-harm. At first it was to feel something, because I just needed to feel anything. After the first big attempt and my subsequent reveal. ( I told my mother I had been self harming the day after my birthday, four days after that on the 1st of November, I was institutionalized.) I self-harmed out of habit. It was always there, so I kept doing it. From ages 14-15 it was release. And the past year or so it was anxiety control. Nothing like a good rush of adrenaline to get you thinking straight.

I tried to get help, convince my mom to take me back to a therapist, but it didn’t work. She told me to tell her when I felt that way and she would help. But just like when I was younger that turned out not to be true. She has a habit of lying, about what she would do for me and how she would help me. And this time I remembered that fact, the fact that she lied. So I helped myself. Got myself together and promised not to hurt myself anymore. I found out about witchy things, made new connections and I finally was able to say that she wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t the reason for my moms tendency to drink or lie, that was on her.

And here I am again, in October. 

My favorite month. 

*Halloween, autumn, horror movies, and my birthday. 

My least favorite month. 

*Triggers, memories, memorials, and my birthday.

And just like every October before it, I sit in my room crying over my choice. Because one hand is busy trying to find a blade, just dull enough not to leave a scar. While the other is holding on for dear life.

I don’t know what to do.

Song of the day is Guilt Tripping by frnkiero andthe celebration.

-xohunter

Feelings.

People will always have feelings.

And ninety percent of the time, they are going to be really freaking intense.

Today was a prime example of emotions being intense and freaking scary. Last night there was a five hour skype session between Cas, Vivian, Danaal, and I. The skype started with Vivian and I, then transposed into a group skype for Danaals birthday. So many things were talked about, from college to career. Relationships happen to come up a lot for us, so that became the topic for a few hours. (I can’t say too much about the inner workings of what happened, but emotions were quite high.) Rearranging meetings, and trying to figure out how to make things work. All this happening at midnight.

After midnight rolled through, I decided I was done attempting to do dishes and  instead went to my room. There we talked more about life and each other and so much about school. People started nodding off around 3AM but Cas and I talked until 4:30 at least. And what did we so happen to center on? Relationships, more specifically my lack of one. I told her that I needed to be set up with some of the kids at her school (because I Poly's dating pool is slim to no.)

All this got me thinking about how lonely I was. I was so happy that Cas decided to keep talking with me. I miss staying up all night talking about nothing and everything. I miss the unconditional trust that comes with it. You say things to 3 in the morning that no one else knows. And Cas chose to let me be her 3AM.

Today (and it was completely unintentional, no one was trying to hurt me it just happened on the wrong day.) Brooke and Peyton accidentally ditched me. And I was shattered. But I just decided that it was okay. Brooke was having exceptional emotional issues and Peyton was just trying to be a good friend to her. And that’s good, having friends that want to help each other deal and figure out how to handle donked up emotions are good. But I wasn’t included in that. I wasn’t her 3AM.

All this got me thinking about how I have no 3AM. I have noone to tell my darkest secrets too and to just breath with. I play that part so often and I don’t want to ask for anything in return, because helping my friends is it’s own reward… But still. A

This isn’t to say my friends wouldn’t be there for me when I needed them, because they are. They just don’t know what to do when strong, dependable Hunter comes crashing down. I always rebuild myself but they don’t know what to do with the rubble while it’s there. But I know that they’d still make a valiant effort to comfort me and make things better. They just can’t.

And that’s so lonely to say.

I was really upset at Brooke for putting her feelings and problems before mine today, and then I felt horrible because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. She needed to take care of herself, Hunter. How dare you try and rob her of that? What makes you think you’re special?

The answer was nothing, and that I was being stupid. Then I got angry. I wasn’t allowed to feel hurt because my friends felt hurt. My emotions hold less value because I have so many of them? Because I have emotions so often? What makes my emotions any less valuable than my friends? Lot’s of questions, very few answers.

Those are my emotions right now. All splayed up on a pretty background. This blog post ends and another will arise eluding to this one. Talking about drama restocked and resolved. That’s all I can do here, there is no pretty packaging on emotions. The paper is crumpled and ripped, the bow dilapidated and missing a few loops. I don’t know when these feelings of loneliness will fade, or what I’m supposed to do with the swirling pit of jealousy that’s breeding in my stomach. Making me dislike everything about me lately. Not physically, but emotionally. Whenever it does go away I’ll let you know if I can.

Song of the day Stage 4 Fear of Trying by FrnkIeroandtheCelebration.

-xohunter

A Universe, Contained.

High school is often described as its own little world. A micro cosmic universe. Filled to the brim with independent social actions, classes, and repercussions. And high school is its own little world, but it feels more like a world at war.

Whether or not you know it, there is most likely a rumor spreading about you right now. Not all rumors are meant to be malicious, but often times are. I personally know three rumors about myself that are circulating right now:

1. I’m a lesbian (I’m actually pansexual.)
2. I’m a massive bitch (I can be…)
3. I’m P.C.B with my friend. (Amendment to the rumor: actually, it was that we were making out at the Farm Store??? Thank you, Nicole.)

Now, I personally could care less, but let’s focus on the last one for now. My friend (who will remain nameless and descriptionless because they are sensitive about this topic) was really upset about rumor number three. I will admit that I was upset too, though, not at the people who started the rumor or the rumor itself. No, I was upset with my friend. Why did they react that way? It was a stupid rumor made by people who read too far into things.

I spent the day thinking about how to handle this situation. Do I try and put a stop to the rumor, do I continue on like I was never effected? I was at a crossroads; the course of action I decided was to stop being affectionate all together. If that’s where the rumors stemmed from, then we cut the stem. I was planning on doing this without my friend’s knowledge but then, on impulse, I decided to text them everything.

They clarified that it wasn’t the rumor that bothered them, it was the fact that people we had never met decided that would be an ‘okay’ thing to do.

This all ties into how truly meaningless high school is. It’s drama, it’s hardship, it’s repetitive. In a year’s time, the whole experience will be wasting away in dusty scrapbook. Your diploma can’t really open any doors these days, and being in college is expensive. And even that can’t do anything! Being caught up in high school is ridiculous. Why put so much energy into something so fleeting?

But there is something about high school that does matter: good teachers. They care so much about you. They care about your success and your failure. Having a good teacher is having a family member at school, or having someone you can just confide in. Teachers can understand high school drama better than parents, because they live it too. They try their best to guide you through some of the most difficult years of your life.  

(Now I fully understand horrible teachers who do horrible things. Those people shouldn’t be teachers.)

The difference between being a high schooler and being a person is so exponentially vast that you can’t even compare them. As you get older, the two start to blend. You become more of a person and less of a high schooler. You have a life outside of school, and somehow you start to prioritize things differently.

High school is a world of its own, a micro chasm of drama and late work. And sometimes, when you’re in a strange between world, like high school.... Worlds collide.

The song of the day is Far Too Young To Die by Panic! at the Disco
-xoHunter

Lazy.

I've been sitting on this next blog post for over a week so what it contains may no longer be relevant but whatever. I never quite cared for continuity.
So, as they say, on with the show,
"Septemeber 16th 2014
Oh the melodrama.

So, this weekend was simultaneously the most tremendous accomplishment and biggest failure in existence. Spiritually it was fantastic. Revelations and cuddles were abound. In the realm of being dramatic, however, it excelled a little too much.

I’m not going to rehash the drama, as the wound is still fresh and I don’t want to offend any friends or former friends. As it stands, I’m not trying to hurt anyone.

Life is getting complicated this junior year but splendidly so. Being Edwards T.A. is super fantastic and I’m so happy I made this choice. I’m so happy that I made the choice to hang out this weekend, I’m happy that I seem to have freedom. Everything is turning up my way and I feel blessed, and humble. Last year really was my character development year, and now I get the falling action.

Junior year,

Senior year,

Graduation.

I was thinking about time the other day and the way it affects our lives. Danny, Chloe, and I have been friends since seventh grade. Correct me if I’m wrong but I've known them for four years! That’s insane, and I had my third anniversary with Brooke last week. I’m going to be seventeen in a month, next year I’m going to be an adult.

Time keeps catching me and making me rethink things. If you asked me five years ago where I was going to be, I would have told you dead. Now I won’t ever give up, not on myself, not on my friends. I feel like I’m ready, I don’t know how, but I feel like I can take it all this time and shoot it right back out. No power in the verse will stop me.

That’s why the drama isn't so devastating this time. There is no punch, it takes me back a times. Over all I just think it’s stupid. I get it though, it’s high school.

I live in a little bubble, a separate entity from the real world. There are so many adult things that I don’t have to deal with. Like this week, I figured out that a person in my life wasn't a good person (The Drama) so I said goodbye. I don’t think you can do that in adult world. I’ll probably do it anyway regardless. I don’t like rules.

That’s about it, there isn't any real hidden meaning to all this, just thoughts that have come to me as of lately.

Song of the day is Escape by The Kongos. "

Looking back I agree with my whole heart that what I wrote is true. I am confident in the direction I'm heading and in my heart of hearts I know that I will be okay, and I will do the things that make me happy.

The song for today is How Far We've Come by Matchbox Twenty.

(For a happy blast to the past in retrospect of the future.)

-XoHunter
1-22-15 (January 22nd 2015) A not so happy retrospect from a distant future. 
While everything I wrote here at the time was true, I hate to say it but, things change. There were powers in the verse that could knock me back on my ass like I deserved for being a selfish, self serving assclown. Not just that but manipulative and repulsive. I assaulted someone I called my best friend, literally imposed my will on them and just like the rules state it came back at me three fold. And rightfully so. But like I said, I'm going to be an adult this year, this was a lesson that I needed to learn. I need to change my behavior before I can move forward, and the only way to do that is by looking back and correcting past errors. The drama will more then take you back because the words you get hit with are important ones that you need to hear. You'll learn from it, and come out better on the otherside. Always remember who got hurt for you to learn though, never forget their names and faces.

Friendly Cheek Kisses.

So you may think not getting coffee isn’t a huge thing. Except I live off the stuff. I know my Starbucks baristas so well, I have a favorite. (Hi Simon!) They know me by name and know my current occupation. I complain about chem tests and they empathize. I often think about how insignificant in their lives I am. Just another regular, just another teenage girl getting coffee before school. But they play such a major role in my life. Some days are not as good as others when I don’t get to see them! That’s how much they matter to me.

How could that possibly be? Such a one sided love affair. My days don’t start without you, and yet you simply carry on. Your well oiled machine, pumping out venti iced hazelnut macchiatos (Upside down with seven pumps vanilla) and pastries, continues while I lay gasping for breath. You are my Juliet, my east, my sun! Sweet unknowing Starbucks, I’m sure you never intended for it to get this far, but here we are. I’m coffeeless, and you continue.

And what does that all mean? Look how addicted I am to the stuff. Part company, part delicious monster. Is this consumerism consuming me? Is this what George Orwell was warning us about in “1984”? No probably not, but it’s intense none the less. I’m so starved for the stuff I'm going to try and get something from the vending machine before school starts. I think high schools should have coffee machines for students. It makes sense.

3:20pm

So it’s after school now. Everything has been kinda wonderful. Lot’s of love and happy times. I had Starbucks and a Rockstar for lunch (can you say caffeine?) And Maui onion chips. The reason I mention these is because I got to share with one of my favorite people. Peyton. Tomorrow is looking good too, Edwards, time to work on Nav’s notebook, and a tutoring session with another one of my favorite people. Vivian. Everything is looking really wonderful and I’m painfully excited about that. Nothing ever works on the first try so the fact that this is, is kinda amazing.

(Honestly i just want to make a post gushing over my friends because I adore them so much.) I think this is what I need more then anything, good friends.
So some goals for the year now include:
~Find a TA job so I can not do PE

~Come home smelling like my friends (This one is weird but can be explained in a poem i’m thinking about writing)

~Write more.

~Love easy.

~Let go of the negative.

10:05pm

Honestly, things are so much different at night. I'm so tired right now, but I feel like I have a lump in my throat. I want to love them so much and I can't. I can only love them as much as they let me. And it's just not fair. I need to let the love pour out of me into the world. Let my light out into the earth and the sea.

Song of the day is Centuries by Fall Out Boy

-xoHunter

Two Days Ago.

7:30 am, September 5th, 2014.

Okay blog, time to get real.

This is happening just before school and i’m still kinda rage-y from last night. But I still want to talk about what has been going on the last two-ish weeks because I've been a bit vague. Ipoly is now in full swing and being a junior isn't bad at all. A lot of my more reluctant classmates are getting that too.  

We've had two official weeks of classes. (Though I don’t really count this week because we had Monday off.) My favorite class so far is English, no surprise there. Mrs. Edwards is a fantastic teacher and needs to be experienced by everyone. I’m not failing any classes yet, I understand it’s only the second week, but I've failed faster in the past so it wouldn't have surprised me.

I actually feel pretty content to be honest, the year is looking really bright and I’m feeling confident. Hopefully the trend continues.

Now to get into the dramatastic meat and potatoes. You didn't think that you wouldn't be informed of any drama that did happen right? There is this kid, who won't be named because I’m not here to talk shit I’m here to gossip. Which, yeah, it’s the same thing. But in my defense I’m pretty sure that talking shit is malicious while gossiping is when you don’t want anyone to be hurt.

Anyway.

They have a habit of being overly flirty and they specifically are flirting with someone I care about. Now I told this person to stop because honestly they need to focus on themselves and fix what's going on instead of delving into another relationship.

I don’t get high schoolers. They complain about everything, do nothing, and think getting into a relationship is this magical fix-it-all tonic. It’s not (FYI) being in a relationship just means you have all that drama and all those issues, and now you have someone to be emotionally invested in on top of that? No thank you. Now some of the older readers may be thinking “It’s not like that!” Well it is when you’re sixteen. Because, let’s all face it, when you’re sixteen you’re in a relationship for sex or for the magic fix-it-all. Very rarely is it because you just really like them.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people who don’t want only those things, but they are totally there.

So yeah that’s what the last two weeks have been like. And, y’know, class stuff.

I’m probably going to add to this throughout the day because I get bored. And i'm staying like 3 hours later then I actually need to. Go drama! (which I’m not technically a part of.) Maybe I’ll actually get ahead for once and have stuff to post. Work out some of those plot bunnies i’m always complaining I never get (but i get them all the time lets be completely honest.)

(In hind sight, I didn't do that)

Song of the day Cardiac Arrest by Bad Suns (Thank you Vivian)

-xoHunter