Being out sick for three days is a death wish, and it's one that I signed.
There are a lot of things going on in the nothing right now. I'm becoming more self aware and I keep finding that I love/hate it. I'm falling more and more in love with my friends, because honestly they are amazing. I hardly deserve their unending support. I think that it something that I figured out, that it is unending. Whenever I think they're mad at me they most likely aren't and I need to stop being so obsessive in that matter.
On top of that little matter, I think I'm starting to figure out what triggers my mood swings and I'm learning to isolate those things and stop them. Hard work, but worth it in the end.
Things feel weird now that I'm encroaching on adulthood. For one, my grades are kinda shit right now, mostly my fault with the hand of fate mixed in. As well as my science teacher making incomplete work a zero. That's really stupid and frustrating because even if I give effort, it doesn't matter because his homework isn't based on effort, it's based on completion. There is very little hope of me bringing those grades up by the end of the semester, as it concludes formally on Tuesday. Whatever, beds made, so I'm laying in it.
I think that's the change, there used to be this rush to make everything perfect and a panic if I didn't have the time. Now it's just acceptance. I fucked up, I'm going to have a hell of a time taking summer school, oh well. I'm kinda hoping mom will let me transfer second semester, I don't think she will. With the grades I have now I won't graduate Ipoly. How weird that I'm not as panicked as I should be.
I'm hoping for the best and throwing myself into making it better. I think if I can pull out second semester with and AP or higher I won't have to repeat the class. Not sure though...
Just updates happening in this post I guess, minor ones.
Song of the day Favorite Record by Fall Out Boy
-XOhunter
UPDATE:
Because of my mood swings and the insecurities I've been having I feel into the trap of being an emotionally manipulative, creepy, horrible, scuzzball. Honestly I've lynched people for less than the things I've done. And karma got back at me good, and I lost three very good friends because of my actions. They had every right to do this and with the knowledge I now possess, the only thing I can do is plunge into the murky depths of the future with renewed purpose. To never hurt anyone else like I hurt them.
Hard work. So worth it in the end.
I'm adding this onto the post because I think it ties in nicely with growing up. You don't just learn the good things, you learn the bad things too. Now I have a choice, and I'm going to make the right one.
Song of the day Jet Pack Blues by Fall Out Boy.
-xohunter
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Friday, January 9, 2015
The Madness of Two.
Who wants to hear you sing about tragedy?
Words to sum up the last two weeks, yep it’s been another friend dropping, low self esteem nightmare. Detox just to retox has apparently become my banner call. I’m just trying to get by living, doing everything I can to stay alive. Vivian, Danny, and Peyton keep up with the “It’s okay, we’re friends, it’s okay…” They’re right of course, it’s to be expected. I’m not supposed to be happy, I’m the artist. This leads us to some new possibilities.
The second song on Fall Out Boy’s Folie a Deux is I Don’t Care. Maybe that is how I have to go about this, the staggering heights and the hellish lows all culminating into I Don’t Care. Even last night, I felt like I was intruding on someone’s good time, and like I shouldn’t be there at all. There was this weight on my chest that was keeping me from speaking, and gods do I wish that I could have said something. I didn’t run away though, I kept my promise.
That’s just who I am, a person. I ultimately love every part of myself, but I don’t think my friends should have to deal with me like they obviously do. With soft smiles, and mild words. Like you would treat someone who would shatter at any moment. Someone who could be knocked out with a feather.
America’s Sweethearts is next on my list of maddeningly accurate Fall Out Boy songs. Nothing describes me more than “I’m in love with my own sin.” But still it’s the favorite of so many fans, and even the band loved that album (before it got so much hate.) I feel just like it, underappreciated and a little hurt by the reaction to me most of the time. It’s completely understandable though, I live on such a sensitive scale. One gram off, and the whole thing is thrown out of whack.
Essentially I’m trying to say that I am totally the album Folie a Deux.
Which is funny because that’s what the Song of the day is, that whole fucking album. Check it out wherever you can
-xohunter
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
The Summer Narrative. (August)
I know I promised you would get to hear the end of it, and I'm going to condense it for you, but summer can't relived. It was a magical experience but the more I write about it, the less magical it becomes. So I'm going to stop it here.
The end of it was that I met three wonderful people (more then that but those are the important faces) had some very strange experiences like dining with complete and perfect strangers. Staying out until one in the morning, walking home when I didn't know the way. (I was completely lost and hurt and pissed off.)
Looking at the experience now, I wouldn't change it for the life of me. It was being sixteen and wild and a little bit reckless. And it was truly magic. I saw white rocks and love and spirits. I felt connected and alive. There were people who I still think about, like the little Russian who just wanted to be a hard worker. He loved labor, and it was something that made him feel like a warrior. I met a kid who was trying to figure himself out and be kind to the world and change himself (He was a little bit strange, but it was the strangeness that drew me to him in the first place.)
There was the kind hearted scruffy guy, who was actually one of the people I had the deepest conversations with. He was so smart but didn't ever show it, we saw three baby deer in the hillside while searching for my friend. He kept me company because he wanted me to feel safe. There was the weird kid who fell in love while we were there, and had his heart broken when we left. He was sweet, if only a little naive. He felt like she was impossible, and he was right. I met a young girl who was messed up, but changing (I saw her change too, she's growing up fast.) She inspired me to be myself.
That was the summer narrative, the story was in the people I met and the way we connected in the short time I was there. Bobbi pointed out to me that they all respected each other and tried to be kind, I think that was true, at the end of it all.
Song of the day is Tides by The XX
-xohunter
The end of it was that I met three wonderful people (more then that but those are the important faces) had some very strange experiences like dining with complete and perfect strangers. Staying out until one in the morning, walking home when I didn't know the way. (I was completely lost and hurt and pissed off.)
Looking at the experience now, I wouldn't change it for the life of me. It was being sixteen and wild and a little bit reckless. And it was truly magic. I saw white rocks and love and spirits. I felt connected and alive. There were people who I still think about, like the little Russian who just wanted to be a hard worker. He loved labor, and it was something that made him feel like a warrior. I met a kid who was trying to figure himself out and be kind to the world and change himself (He was a little bit strange, but it was the strangeness that drew me to him in the first place.)
There was the kind hearted scruffy guy, who was actually one of the people I had the deepest conversations with. He was so smart but didn't ever show it, we saw three baby deer in the hillside while searching for my friend. He kept me company because he wanted me to feel safe. There was the weird kid who fell in love while we were there, and had his heart broken when we left. He was sweet, if only a little naive. He felt like she was impossible, and he was right. I met a young girl who was messed up, but changing (I saw her change too, she's growing up fast.) She inspired me to be myself.
That was the summer narrative, the story was in the people I met and the way we connected in the short time I was there. Bobbi pointed out to me that they all respected each other and tried to be kind, I think that was true, at the end of it all.
Song of the day is Tides by The XX
-xohunter
Friday, December 5, 2014
Strepping Up
I have strep throat.
Yeah, this kinda sucks and it takes me out of the running for school until Monday, which will be hella I'm sure. Because missing three days at Ipoly is like missing a whole week. I am sure that it wont prove to want to make me throw myself into the sea.
Speaking of which, I would love to visit the sea, so if any followers or readers have any beach front property they'd like to rent out for a limerick or two. I'm positive we could come to an agreement. With all that being said, I'm doing quite nicely.
I'm confined to my room for the next three days, I have a party to go to on Saturday (which I'm hoping I'm better for) and a lot to do before I can save anyone. So what am I doing instead? Browsing tumblr and making playlists. Very bad ones too, I only listen to shitty emo pop-punk. (That's not actually true, but you'd get more weird stuff from my love Peyton. Or my second love Vivian.)
When I actually start updating stuff, I'll let you know and add some links or something. I will most likely be making them through Spotify or maybe Grooveshark. Not sure though.
Today's song of the day is Flaws by Bastielle.
It's just a good song and I remember that I found comfort in it.
-XOhunter
Yeah, this kinda sucks and it takes me out of the running for school until Monday, which will be hella I'm sure. Because missing three days at Ipoly is like missing a whole week. I am sure that it wont prove to want to make me throw myself into the sea.
Speaking of which, I would love to visit the sea, so if any followers or readers have any beach front property they'd like to rent out for a limerick or two. I'm positive we could come to an agreement. With all that being said, I'm doing quite nicely.
I'm confined to my room for the next three days, I have a party to go to on Saturday (which I'm hoping I'm better for) and a lot to do before I can save anyone. So what am I doing instead? Browsing tumblr and making playlists. Very bad ones too, I only listen to shitty emo pop-punk. (That's not actually true, but you'd get more weird stuff from my love Peyton. Or my second love Vivian.)
When I actually start updating stuff, I'll let you know and add some links or something. I will most likely be making them through Spotify or maybe Grooveshark. Not sure though.
Today's song of the day is Flaws by Bastielle.
It's just a good song and I remember that I found comfort in it.
-XOhunter
Monday, November 24, 2014
Break Time
Hello wonderful human.
So I live in America, home of the capitalist and dirty cop/politician/teacher. We get one week off (depending on your school code or whatever) because some asshole decided to commit genocide on and indigenous population. (Christopher "The OG Fuckboi" Columbus) Now this is not to remember this tragady and promote awareness for the current state of said Native population (Check out this resource pack to educate yourself on their culture this week), but instead it is to uphold the image of the sham that was the first feast with the pilgrims (the 100 British men who settled in Virginia before it was Virginia) shared with their Native friends. When in actuality it was the wise Natives who shared with the European savages who forgot that winter was a thing. They essentially held the Natives at gun point and told them to plant corn. (assholes)
Now that we've established that "Thanksgiving" is fucking stupid, let's continue.
We get a break during this week so we can over indulge on food on Thursday, and then the following Friday spend money to boost the winter sales of businesses. Students know it as the last week before hell. Because, like spring break, thanksgiving break means hellish amounts of work before winter break. I personally don't like to think about it because it's kind of a downer. So instead I spend the week living like I will die the following Monday morning. Exorbitant food, movies, and candy. This year I was also going to try and get a date or two, but I've decided to postpone until further notice.
As it so happens I may acutally get time to update the blog, and depending on my mood, fill in some of the gaps that may have appeared over the course of Junior year.
Also I'm starting the count down until the end of Junior year (I'm going to try and find a widget too).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6 MONTHS 11 DAYS TO GO UNTIL THE END.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's it for me today kiddos, be save this next week and if you're in America, go volunteer and feed the less fortunate.
Song of the day is I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy, And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me by Fall Out Boy
-XOhunter
So I live in America, home of the capitalist and dirty cop/politician/teacher. We get one week off (depending on your school code or whatever) because some asshole decided to commit genocide on and indigenous population. (Christopher "The OG Fuckboi" Columbus) Now this is not to remember this tragady and promote awareness for the current state of said Native population (Check out this resource pack to educate yourself on their culture this week), but instead it is to uphold the image of the sham that was the first feast with the pilgrims (the 100 British men who settled in Virginia before it was Virginia) shared with their Native friends. When in actuality it was the wise Natives who shared with the European savages who forgot that winter was a thing. They essentially held the Natives at gun point and told them to plant corn. (assholes)
Now that we've established that "Thanksgiving" is fucking stupid, let's continue.
We get a break during this week so we can over indulge on food on Thursday, and then the following Friday spend money to boost the winter sales of businesses. Students know it as the last week before hell. Because, like spring break, thanksgiving break means hellish amounts of work before winter break. I personally don't like to think about it because it's kind of a downer. So instead I spend the week living like I will die the following Monday morning. Exorbitant food, movies, and candy. This year I was also going to try and get a date or two, but I've decided to postpone until further notice.
As it so happens I may acutally get time to update the blog, and depending on my mood, fill in some of the gaps that may have appeared over the course of Junior year.
Also I'm starting the count down until the end of Junior year (I'm going to try and find a widget too).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6 MONTHS 11 DAYS TO GO UNTIL THE END.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's it for me today kiddos, be save this next week and if you're in America, go volunteer and feed the less fortunate.
Song of the day is I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy, And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me by Fall Out Boy
-XOhunter
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Feelings to a lesser degree.
Friendship is a weird thing.
You love your friends with all your heart, you'd kill for them, you'd die for them. Sometimes this message gets lost in the sea of tomfoolery that is high school. That is what is happening to me.
There are a few things you have to know about me and how I operate before my take on friendship actually makes sense.
1) I am sticky.
When I get into a relationship of any kind (friendship,mateship, new parental figureship) I will extensively evaluate who they are, what they believe, and how good of a person they are. I normally have a pretty good judge of character so if you pass my test, you are automatically in my inner circle. That being said, my inner circle is relatively small (for me anyway) because the test isn't easy to pass. Most people don't and they end up in my outer circle. What does this have to do with me being sticky? When you come into the inner circle, I will begin my spiral of caring about you. I will ask if you're okay, I will do things to make you smile, and I will fight to spend time with you. And here's where the sticky comes into play, even if we stop being 'friends' I will still care about you. It's just who I am, so from afar or through what mutual friends we have, I will ensure your emotional happiness and security. The same goes for the outer circle, it's just not as intense.
2) I am jealous.
If you make it to the inner circle and you have a datemate, or someone else who gets more of your emotions then I do, I will become vehemently jealous. I require a lot of attention. This attention can be given to me in multiple ways that are not the direct "OMFG besties." You texting me first, asking me questions/for advice, you giving me something (New poem, present, song recommendation, piece of food, hug), and finally just plain attention. So if there is someone else in your life, that's all good with me, but if they get your attention first or more then me, then I get pissy. This is my problem, and it's just sorta who I am, I'm trying to learn how to deal with it better. The thing is, when I get angry about it I come up with little things like "Why didn't you just hug me, hug me and I would have been fine." Or various other phrases. So in that sense, I'm a little high maintenance.
3)I have a habit of changing mood really (really) quickly.
One minute I'm sunshine and kittens, the next I'm a doom and gloom monsoon. This is because my thoughts (and memories) come in at a mile a minute, so one minute I will be thinking sunshine and kittens, the next I'm thinking that all my friends hate me and none of them want to be near me. This ties into jealousy because I need near constant reassurance that you love me and don't want me to go away. Like jealousy, they don't have to be huge things, one of my favorite ones is when Vivian posts pictures of songs that remind her of me. That is one of the best ways to do it, because the song gives the words for you or it's directly related to memories that will trigger a happy mood from me.
4) I can be really (really) ambitious.
When I set my mind on something, it's going to happen. I don't care about the fall out, I don't care about the discomfort I might experience. Because of this and my resourcefulness, I often times cook up some semi- dangerous scenes and sorta demand participation. It always makes for good stories though. This is sorta my bow, because it is a great culmination of all my traits. I demand my inner circle to be apart of whatever the scheme is, I get jealous when they wont, my mood goes dark, and boom angry energy and a seriously intense plan. (This can also go positively which is always nice.)
Now thing is, not all my friends in my inner circle know that they are in the inner circle. Let's face it, the fact that I have a list(circle) of who gets priory of my feelings is kinda exclusionary. So I can't just tell them that they are in the inner circle because that would be shitty of me. This creates confusion, especially when they don't (I don't want to say follow my rules, but it's kind exactly that.) I get grumpy at them. They think they are being terrible friends, and the whole thing spirals into a mess.
This is my public service announcement. This is me and how my head works. I will always love my friends (#1 Sticky) You will inevitably piss me off (# 2,3) But I will always want to have you in my life (#4). I will love all my friends until the day I get left behind, then I'll love them a little bit more.
Song of the day is Vegas by All Time Low
Go hug your friends and tell them they mean everything.
-xohunter
You love your friends with all your heart, you'd kill for them, you'd die for them. Sometimes this message gets lost in the sea of tomfoolery that is high school. That is what is happening to me.
There are a few things you have to know about me and how I operate before my take on friendship actually makes sense.
1) I am sticky.
When I get into a relationship of any kind (friendship,mateship, new parental figureship) I will extensively evaluate who they are, what they believe, and how good of a person they are. I normally have a pretty good judge of character so if you pass my test, you are automatically in my inner circle. That being said, my inner circle is relatively small (for me anyway) because the test isn't easy to pass. Most people don't and they end up in my outer circle. What does this have to do with me being sticky? When you come into the inner circle, I will begin my spiral of caring about you. I will ask if you're okay, I will do things to make you smile, and I will fight to spend time with you. And here's where the sticky comes into play, even if we stop being 'friends' I will still care about you. It's just who I am, so from afar or through what mutual friends we have, I will ensure your emotional happiness and security. The same goes for the outer circle, it's just not as intense.
2) I am jealous.
If you make it to the inner circle and you have a datemate, or someone else who gets more of your emotions then I do, I will become vehemently jealous. I require a lot of attention. This attention can be given to me in multiple ways that are not the direct "OMFG besties." You texting me first, asking me questions/for advice, you giving me something (New poem, present, song recommendation, piece of food, hug), and finally just plain attention. So if there is someone else in your life, that's all good with me, but if they get your attention first or more then me, then I get pissy. This is my problem, and it's just sorta who I am, I'm trying to learn how to deal with it better. The thing is, when I get angry about it I come up with little things like "Why didn't you just hug me, hug me and I would have been fine." Or various other phrases. So in that sense, I'm a little high maintenance.
3)I have a habit of changing mood really (really) quickly.
One minute I'm sunshine and kittens, the next I'm a doom and gloom monsoon. This is because my thoughts (and memories) come in at a mile a minute, so one minute I will be thinking sunshine and kittens, the next I'm thinking that all my friends hate me and none of them want to be near me. This ties into jealousy because I need near constant reassurance that you love me and don't want me to go away. Like jealousy, they don't have to be huge things, one of my favorite ones is when Vivian posts pictures of songs that remind her of me. That is one of the best ways to do it, because the song gives the words for you or it's directly related to memories that will trigger a happy mood from me.
4) I can be really (really) ambitious.
When I set my mind on something, it's going to happen. I don't care about the fall out, I don't care about the discomfort I might experience. Because of this and my resourcefulness, I often times cook up some semi- dangerous scenes and sorta demand participation. It always makes for good stories though. This is sorta my bow, because it is a great culmination of all my traits. I demand my inner circle to be apart of whatever the scheme is, I get jealous when they wont, my mood goes dark, and boom angry energy and a seriously intense plan. (This can also go positively which is always nice.)
Now thing is, not all my friends in my inner circle know that they are in the inner circle. Let's face it, the fact that I have a list(circle) of who gets priory of my feelings is kinda exclusionary. So I can't just tell them that they are in the inner circle because that would be shitty of me. This creates confusion, especially when they don't (I don't want to say follow my rules, but it's kind exactly that.) I get grumpy at them. They think they are being terrible friends, and the whole thing spirals into a mess.
This is my public service announcement. This is me and how my head works. I will always love my friends (#1 Sticky) You will inevitably piss me off (# 2,3) But I will always want to have you in my life (#4). I will love all my friends until the day I get left behind, then I'll love them a little bit more.
Song of the day is Vegas by All Time Low
Go hug your friends and tell them they mean everything.
-xohunter
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