Ipoly's Labyrinth

I don't have strep throat anymore!

Okay that isn't entirely true, I more then likely still have the virus (bacteria?) in me, I'm just no longer contagious and therefore I can go to school. Which I did today. As normal I forgot how little I enjoyed being in a school environment. It would be different if the people didn't suck, but they do. It was an eventful first day back, and will be a hellish week to follow. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do in order to make up the work that I'm missing. (Like the 10 assignments I'm missing in Pang's class. Chemistry is a bitch.) 

I also got to see everyone and figure out what happened while I was gone. Looks like my best friend is back with their ex. (See I love it because, I call everyone my best friend so no one really knows. To be clear I only refer to my Inner Circle as my best friends. I made a post about it...) And everyone is feeling the impending doom of break. Mr. Hedman also made me laugh because of his class today. I find myself increasingly done with algebra II. The subject matter is hard and bothersome. Maddie Doctor and I spent the morning in a tissy trying to figure out what in the hell we were supposed to be doing, eventually we gave up and just drew sperm (which actually came out to the right answer! Yay.) 

Lunch was eventful today, as I essentially called my friends out and told them they needed to look within themselves to find their inner path to true happiness. Because as sad and moody as I am, I know in the grand scheme I'm going to end up fine. Due to that I have this inner peace that just exists. I think it has to do with my abilities as a seer. Which is all very complicated and involves a lot of links and is very personal. Even though I'd like to share that part of me with the world (or at least find someone whose like me) I get the feeling that it doesn't work that way.

Fourth block was fun. Vivian and I got to hang out and just chill. Edwards and the Junior team were making the second semester project, so all the Juniors in the room (Vivian, Bailey, and I) had to vacate the premise. This led to Viv and I moving to the Sophomore corridor stairway grotto thing. It's a little landing after the top of the Sophomore staircase that everyone hangs out at. Except forth block because everyone has class

 The main frustration of the day; Sexist Teenage Boys and Girls Who Excuse Their Actions. 

I get that dating people makes you see things all weird and caddywompuss. That doesn't excuse the fact that teenage boys who have a secret chat where they are sexist and misogynistic is okay. Even if your boyfriend belongs to the chat and says stuff, it is still not okay to use the excuse "He's in a chat with a bunch of guys!!!" That means jack shit. They are still creeps no matter if they are in a room full of men or by themselves. It's behavior like that, that spreads the idea that it's okay to think that way. (lots of 'that's in that sentence.)

Sometimes I don't get why people just let important issues go to the wayside. My reason for being aggressive about political and social issues like that may be due to what Chloe calls my "Ability to do the hard stuff". We were discussing why people lie and she told me it was because people don't like awkward situations where they have to face their dirty laundry. The same argument was brought to me today in History class as we were reading about early immigrants. Americans didn't want immigrants to come into the country after awhile and while most write it off as an economic thing, another reason was that White American immigrants didn't want to own up to their history as immigrants.

These were just some thoughts that were rattling around my brain, I will likely update you again tomorrow, or maybe Wednesday. Depending on how homework/notebook/sleep scheduled goes.

The song(s) of the day can be found on this playlist. Keep an eye on it because I will be adding more songs to it when time permits.

-Xohunter

Better Late Than Never.

Sometimes I'm really good at writing.

Other times I leave things to collect dust and claim that "The idea just wasn't good enough" or "This just shouldn't get posted." Because you get taught that, no you don't have to publish everything. It's about quality not quantity. I'm all caught up in a world that wants me to quantify myself. Quantify my answers, quantify my plan for the next ten years. I'd rather have more to build off of, than try and build from perfection.

So I left summer spaces to rot, because everything that was happening was happening so quickly. I was also really fucking sad, and trying to convince myself not to be so I wouldn't drag down my friends. Now I realize how stupid that was. I couldn't make myself happy for them, because I was focusing on them. Trying to be perfect for them, turns out that I needed to look at myself and become happy for me. And how do I get anything done? Quantity. Do a lot and make it count.

So that's what I'm going to do. Because it's stupid to let the worlds need for perfection run my life. I'm so not perfect and that's great. Now I have something to build off of. You can't make a diamond any shinier, but you sure as hell can get broken glass pretty sparkly. I'll take all these little pieces I deemed unworthy or grotesque and I'll post them anyway.

Because that's the only way I'll get stuff done, if I do it a lot.

Onwards and Upwards.

Song of the day is Miracle Mile by Cold War Kids

-xoHunter

Feelings to a lesser degree.

Friendship is a weird thing.
You love your friends with all your heart, you'd kill for them, you'd die for them. Sometimes this message gets lost in the sea of tomfoolery that is high school. That is what is happening to me.

There are a few things you have to know about me and how I operate before my take on friendship actually makes sense.

1) I am sticky.
When I get into a relationship of any kind (friendship,mateship, new parental figureship) I will extensively evaluate who they are, what they believe, and how good of a person they are. I normally have a pretty good judge of character so if you pass my test, you are automatically in my inner circle. That being said, my inner circle is relatively small (for me anyway) because the test isn't easy to pass. Most people don't and they end up in my outer circle. What does this have to do with me being sticky? When you come into the inner circle, I will begin my spiral of caring about you. I will ask if you're okay, I will do things to make you smile, and I will fight to spend time with you. And here's where the sticky comes into play, even if we stop being 'friends' I will still care about you. It's just who I am, so from afar or through what mutual friends we have, I will ensure your emotional happiness and security. The same goes for the outer circle, it's just not as intense.
2) I am jealous.
If you make it to the inner circle and you have a datemate, or someone else who gets more of your emotions then I do, I will become vehemently jealous. I require a lot of attention. This attention can be given to me in multiple ways that are not the direct "OMFG besties." You texting me first, asking me questions/for advice, you giving me something (New poem, present, song recommendation, piece of food, hug), and finally just plain attention. So if there is someone else in your life, that's all good with me, but if they get your attention first or more then me, then I get pissy. This is my problem, and it's just sorta who I am, I'm trying to learn how to deal with it better. The thing is, when I get angry about it I come up with little things like "Why didn't you just hug me, hug me and I would have been fine." Or various other phrases. So in that sense, I'm a little high maintenance.
3)I have a habit of changing mood really (really) quickly.
One minute I'm sunshine and kittens, the next I'm a doom and gloom monsoon. This is because my thoughts (and memories) come in at a mile a minute, so one minute I will be thinking sunshine and kittens, the next I'm thinking that all my friends hate me and none of them want to be near me. This ties into jealousy because I need near constant reassurance that you love me and don't want me to go away. Like jealousy, they don't have to be huge things, one of my favorite ones is when Vivian posts pictures of songs that remind her of me. That is one of the best ways to do it, because the song gives the words for you or it's directly related to memories that will trigger a happy mood from me.
4) I can be really (really) ambitious.
When I set my mind on something, it's going to happen. I don't care about the fall out, I don't care about the discomfort I might experience. Because of this and my resourcefulness, I often times cook up some semi- dangerous scenes and sorta demand participation. It always makes for good stories though. This is sorta my bow, because it is a great culmination of all my traits. I demand my inner circle to be apart of whatever the scheme is, I get jealous when they wont, my mood goes dark, and boom angry energy and a seriously intense plan. (This can also go positively which is always nice.)

Now thing is, not all my friends in my inner circle know that they are in the inner circle. Let's face it, the fact that I have a list(circle) of who gets priory of my feelings is kinda exclusionary. So I can't just tell them that they are in the inner circle because that would be shitty of me. This creates confusion, especially when they don't (I don't want to say follow my rules, but it's kind exactly that.) I get grumpy at them. They think they are being terrible friends, and the whole thing spirals into a mess.
This is my public service announcement. This is me and how my head works. I will always love my friends (#1 Sticky) You will inevitably piss me off (# 2,3) But I will always want to have you in my life (#4). I will love all my friends until the day I get left behind, then I'll love them a little bit more.

Song of the day is Vegas by All Time Low 
Go hug your friends and tell them they mean everything.
-xohunter

Two Hands.

WARNING: the following blog post contains triggering material and detailed talks of self harm and depression.

If you're sad/depressed/hurting, please know that you're not alone and there is always help. If you're in the US please call: 1-800-273-8255 

If you're outside the US please visit www.suicide.org and find your country. 

October is a bad month for me. 

While simultaneously being the best month of the year.

The worst because this is when I’m at my lowest. I remember my dad dying, and my hospitalization. The few times I’ve tried to end my life, and the more than few times I’ve thought about it. This month is my trigger month, because it’s my birth month. And despite the progress I’ve made in the past few years (and especially the past few months.) I still can’t quite shake the fact that I wish I had never been born. It’s hard, because I've finally decided to love myself, but the idea still remains.

Ever since I was little I thought my family shouldn’t have kept me. I used to wish my mom would have never had me. Later I wish they would have left me on a cliff side like the Romans. As I got older I would come back to the notions that I should correct their mistake. Make their lives better by ending mine. I only ever saw myself as a nuisance. I only ever saw myself as this event that should never have happened.

Instead of killing myself, I would self-harm. At first it was to feel something, because I just needed to feel anything. After the first big attempt and my subsequent reveal. ( I told my mother I had been self harming the day after my birthday, four days after that on the 1st of November, I was institutionalized.) I self-harmed out of habit. It was always there, so I kept doing it. From ages 14-15 it was release. And the past year or so it was anxiety control. Nothing like a good rush of adrenaline to get you thinking straight.

I tried to get help, convince my mom to take me back to a therapist, but it didn’t work. She told me to tell her when I felt that way and she would help. But just like when I was younger that turned out not to be true. She has a habit of lying, about what she would do for me and how she would help me. And this time I remembered that fact, the fact that she lied. So I helped myself. Got myself together and promised not to hurt myself anymore. I found out about witchy things, made new connections and I finally was able to say that she wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t the reason for my moms tendency to drink or lie, that was on her.

And here I am again, in October. 

My favorite month. 

*Halloween, autumn, horror movies, and my birthday. 

My least favorite month. 

*Triggers, memories, memorials, and my birthday.

And just like every October before it, I sit in my room crying over my choice. Because one hand is busy trying to find a blade, just dull enough not to leave a scar. While the other is holding on for dear life.

I don’t know what to do.

Song of the day is Guilt Tripping by frnkiero andthe celebration.

-xohunter

Feelings.

People will always have feelings.

And ninety percent of the time, they are going to be really freaking intense.

Today was a prime example of emotions being intense and freaking scary. Last night there was a five hour skype session between Cas, Vivian, Danaal, and I. The skype started with Vivian and I, then transposed into a group skype for Danaals birthday. So many things were talked about, from college to career. Relationships happen to come up a lot for us, so that became the topic for a few hours. (I can’t say too much about the inner workings of what happened, but emotions were quite high.) Rearranging meetings, and trying to figure out how to make things work. All this happening at midnight.

After midnight rolled through, I decided I was done attempting to do dishes and  instead went to my room. There we talked more about life and each other and so much about school. People started nodding off around 3AM but Cas and I talked until 4:30 at least. And what did we so happen to center on? Relationships, more specifically my lack of one. I told her that I needed to be set up with some of the kids at her school (because I Poly's dating pool is slim to no.)

All this got me thinking about how lonely I was. I was so happy that Cas decided to keep talking with me. I miss staying up all night talking about nothing and everything. I miss the unconditional trust that comes with it. You say things to 3 in the morning that no one else knows. And Cas chose to let me be her 3AM.

Today (and it was completely unintentional, no one was trying to hurt me it just happened on the wrong day.) Brooke and Peyton accidentally ditched me. And I was shattered. But I just decided that it was okay. Brooke was having exceptional emotional issues and Peyton was just trying to be a good friend to her. And that’s good, having friends that want to help each other deal and figure out how to handle donked up emotions are good. But I wasn’t included in that. I wasn’t her 3AM.

All this got me thinking about how I have no 3AM. I have noone to tell my darkest secrets too and to just breath with. I play that part so often and I don’t want to ask for anything in return, because helping my friends is it’s own reward… But still. A

This isn’t to say my friends wouldn’t be there for me when I needed them, because they are. They just don’t know what to do when strong, dependable Hunter comes crashing down. I always rebuild myself but they don’t know what to do with the rubble while it’s there. But I know that they’d still make a valiant effort to comfort me and make things better. They just can’t.

And that’s so lonely to say.

I was really upset at Brooke for putting her feelings and problems before mine today, and then I felt horrible because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. She needed to take care of herself, Hunter. How dare you try and rob her of that? What makes you think you’re special?

The answer was nothing, and that I was being stupid. Then I got angry. I wasn’t allowed to feel hurt because my friends felt hurt. My emotions hold less value because I have so many of them? Because I have emotions so often? What makes my emotions any less valuable than my friends? Lot’s of questions, very few answers.

Those are my emotions right now. All splayed up on a pretty background. This blog post ends and another will arise eluding to this one. Talking about drama restocked and resolved. That’s all I can do here, there is no pretty packaging on emotions. The paper is crumpled and ripped, the bow dilapidated and missing a few loops. I don’t know when these feelings of loneliness will fade, or what I’m supposed to do with the swirling pit of jealousy that’s breeding in my stomach. Making me dislike everything about me lately. Not physically, but emotionally. Whenever it does go away I’ll let you know if I can.

Song of the day Stage 4 Fear of Trying by FrnkIeroandtheCelebration.

-xohunter

A Universe, Contained.

High school is often described as its own little world. A micro cosmic universe. Filled to the brim with independent social actions, classes, and repercussions. And high school is its own little world, but it feels more like a world at war.

Whether or not you know it, there is most likely a rumor spreading about you right now. Not all rumors are meant to be malicious, but often times are. I personally know three rumors about myself that are circulating right now:

1. I’m a lesbian (I’m actually pansexual.)
2. I’m a massive bitch (I can be…)
3. I’m P.C.B with my friend. (Amendment to the rumor: actually, it was that we were making out at the Farm Store??? Thank you, Nicole.)

Now, I personally could care less, but let’s focus on the last one for now. My friend (who will remain nameless and descriptionless because they are sensitive about this topic) was really upset about rumor number three. I will admit that I was upset too, though, not at the people who started the rumor or the rumor itself. No, I was upset with my friend. Why did they react that way? It was a stupid rumor made by people who read too far into things.

I spent the day thinking about how to handle this situation. Do I try and put a stop to the rumor, do I continue on like I was never effected? I was at a crossroads; the course of action I decided was to stop being affectionate all together. If that’s where the rumors stemmed from, then we cut the stem. I was planning on doing this without my friend’s knowledge but then, on impulse, I decided to text them everything.

They clarified that it wasn’t the rumor that bothered them, it was the fact that people we had never met decided that would be an ‘okay’ thing to do.

This all ties into how truly meaningless high school is. It’s drama, it’s hardship, it’s repetitive. In a year’s time, the whole experience will be wasting away in dusty scrapbook. Your diploma can’t really open any doors these days, and being in college is expensive. And even that can’t do anything! Being caught up in high school is ridiculous. Why put so much energy into something so fleeting?

But there is something about high school that does matter: good teachers. They care so much about you. They care about your success and your failure. Having a good teacher is having a family member at school, or having someone you can just confide in. Teachers can understand high school drama better than parents, because they live it too. They try their best to guide you through some of the most difficult years of your life.  

(Now I fully understand horrible teachers who do horrible things. Those people shouldn’t be teachers.)

The difference between being a high schooler and being a person is so exponentially vast that you can’t even compare them. As you get older, the two start to blend. You become more of a person and less of a high schooler. You have a life outside of school, and somehow you start to prioritize things differently.

High school is a world of its own, a micro chasm of drama and late work. And sometimes, when you’re in a strange between world, like high school.... Worlds collide.

The song of the day is Far Too Young To Die by Panic! at the Disco
-xoHunter

Lazy.

I've been sitting on this next blog post for over a week so what it contains may no longer be relevant but whatever. I never quite cared for continuity.
So, as they say, on with the show,
"Septemeber 16th 2014
Oh the melodrama.

So, this weekend was simultaneously the most tremendous accomplishment and biggest failure in existence. Spiritually it was fantastic. Revelations and cuddles were abound. In the realm of being dramatic, however, it excelled a little too much.

I’m not going to rehash the drama, as the wound is still fresh and I don’t want to offend any friends or former friends. As it stands, I’m not trying to hurt anyone.

Life is getting complicated this junior year but splendidly so. Being Edwards T.A. is super fantastic and I’m so happy I made this choice. I’m so happy that I made the choice to hang out this weekend, I’m happy that I seem to have freedom. Everything is turning up my way and I feel blessed, and humble. Last year really was my character development year, and now I get the falling action.

Junior year,

Senior year,

Graduation.

I was thinking about time the other day and the way it affects our lives. Danny, Chloe, and I have been friends since seventh grade. Correct me if I’m wrong but I've known them for four years! That’s insane, and I had my third anniversary with Brooke last week. I’m going to be seventeen in a month, next year I’m going to be an adult.

Time keeps catching me and making me rethink things. If you asked me five years ago where I was going to be, I would have told you dead. Now I won’t ever give up, not on myself, not on my friends. I feel like I’m ready, I don’t know how, but I feel like I can take it all this time and shoot it right back out. No power in the verse will stop me.

That’s why the drama isn't so devastating this time. There is no punch, it takes me back a times. Over all I just think it’s stupid. I get it though, it’s high school.

I live in a little bubble, a separate entity from the real world. There are so many adult things that I don’t have to deal with. Like this week, I figured out that a person in my life wasn't a good person (The Drama) so I said goodbye. I don’t think you can do that in adult world. I’ll probably do it anyway regardless. I don’t like rules.

That’s about it, there isn't any real hidden meaning to all this, just thoughts that have come to me as of lately.

Song of the day is Escape by The Kongos. "

Looking back I agree with my whole heart that what I wrote is true. I am confident in the direction I'm heading and in my heart of hearts I know that I will be okay, and I will do the things that make me happy.

The song for today is How Far We've Come by Matchbox Twenty.

(For a happy blast to the past in retrospect of the future.)

-XoHunter
1-22-15 (January 22nd 2015) A not so happy retrospect from a distant future. 
While everything I wrote here at the time was true, I hate to say it but, things change. There were powers in the verse that could knock me back on my ass like I deserved for being a selfish, self serving assclown. Not just that but manipulative and repulsive. I assaulted someone I called my best friend, literally imposed my will on them and just like the rules state it came back at me three fold. And rightfully so. But like I said, I'm going to be an adult this year, this was a lesson that I needed to learn. I need to change my behavior before I can move forward, and the only way to do that is by looking back and correcting past errors. The drama will more then take you back because the words you get hit with are important ones that you need to hear. You'll learn from it, and come out better on the otherside. Always remember who got hurt for you to learn though, never forget their names and faces.

Oh Goddess.

So guess who made two posts and never posted them? That would be me.
Yay.
9/8/14

So, to start, don’t be a dick to your barista. Or any person who gets paid to cook/make something. Just don’t be a dick.

So once again it’s seven and I’m making the morning commute to school. I spoke with BM this morning. You don’t know who that is… I’m trying to figure out how to explain him without giving away who that is. Just in case he reads this. Which honestly I don’t know why but I really am nervous about him reading my stuff. I know he won't judge me, he’ll probably be like “Oh that’s cool.” But still.

On the upside, I got coffee this morning. Starbucks can never hurt me.

I don’t really have much to talk about this morning since I actually went into some detail about yesterday on yesterday’s post.

Fall Out Boy dropped their new single and I all about shat myself. Seriously I’m so excited for the new album.

I’m at a loss for words and that’s new. Normally I have no trouble writing. Although Edwards had said that I need a lot of improvement in my writing (Both description and detail) If she brings back wordsmitten (It was the writing elective I was in freshmen year) then I’ll have a place to hone my skills.

Though I’ve been having some troubles with the fiction tunnel lately. Nothing of substance makes it’s way through and it’s frustrating. I’m thinking about picking up a totally stupid drabble I had going and seeing how I could make that work.

That’s really it for now, I’ll most likely update in ASC later today.

Hey there from academic support. So nothing is happening.

I’m officially no longer in PE and I am now a TA. Which is pretty exciting and kinda funny, I remember being a freshmen and telling Mrs. Edwards how I was going to be her TA. Self fulfilling prophecy.

(I think this was the 10th but I'm straight up unsure???)

Patrick Stump is so fantastic. There is no disputing this. I’m pretty sure that i'm going to listen to centuries until I start dying. I didn’t get coffee this morning and I’m feeling more tired than normal, I slept in till 6:50. That’s not normal for me, even though I feel like I'm dying I normally get up around 6:30. Maybe all that energy I spent on Vivian and keeping negative thoughts out about a certain ginger.

I’ll ask Peyton to give me some today, and I’ll shoot a text to Bobbi asking for some too.

Aside from feeling like death, today will be my first official job of being a T.A. What is a T.A. you may ask? It’s teachers assistant. I’m actually more like the TA’s T.A. low woman on the totem pole as it goes.
I need to find a central theme to today's post (there will be a double post since I was too lazy to post yesterday.) Maybe that’s what today will be about, laziness. It’s a sickness and I have it so very badly. I was messaging Vivian last night, and I happened to say,
It’s literally that I just don’t want too.”

“I still haven’t done Nav’s (Nav is history..)

It’s not even that hard

I could do it in a few minutes.

Yeah. Go team.

I think Movie Night is tonight, even though the title is pretty explanatory, I’ll give you some details. Movie Night is a free event (except the food. You have to pay for food) to help raise a little school spirit. We do little events like Movie Night because we have no sports teams. It’s pretty nice except now we have jocks and no football.

Everything is sorta low energy these days, things are brewing for The Impact. (Don’t ask me what that is, because I can’t tell you.) Everything is leading up to the big event at the end of the road. Which isn't the end at all but the beginning of something.

And now today 9/13/14

Today was basically drama. Bad people, bad friend breakups, it's kinda literally sucked ass. And it's not over yet.

But who freaking cares?

Monday will not be as bad as I think.

Song for today (And last week and again) Centuries by Fall Out Boy, I Like You Better When You're Naked by Ida Maria, Take Over The Breaks Over by Fall Out Boy

-xoHunter