The Madness of Two.

Who wants to hear you sing about tragedy?

Words to sum up the last two weeks, yep it’s been another friend dropping, low self esteem nightmare. Detox just to retox has apparently become my banner call. I’m just trying to get by living, doing everything I can to stay alive. Vivian, Danny, and Peyton keep up with the “It’s okay, we’re friends, it’s okay…” They’re right of course, it’s to be expected. I’m not supposed to be happy, I’m the artist. This leads us to some new possibilities.

The second song on Fall Out Boy’s Folie a Deux is I Don’t Care. Maybe that is how I have to go about this, the staggering heights and the hellish lows all culminating into I Don’t Care. Even last night, I felt like I was intruding on someone’s good time, and like I shouldn’t be there at all. There was this weight on my chest that was keeping me from speaking, and gods do I wish that I could have said something. I didn’t run away though, I kept my promise.

That’s just who I am, a person. I ultimately love every part of myself, but I don’t think my friends should have to deal with me like they obviously do. With soft smiles, and mild words. Like you would treat someone who would shatter at any moment. Someone who could be knocked out with a feather.

America’s Sweethearts is next on my list of maddeningly accurate Fall Out Boy songs. Nothing describes me more than “I’m in love with my own sin.” But still it’s the favorite of so many fans, and even the band loved that album (before it got so much hate.) I feel just like it, underappreciated and a little hurt by the reaction to me most of the time. It’s completely understandable though, I live on such a sensitive scale. One gram off, and the whole thing is thrown out of whack.

Essentially I’m trying to say that I am totally the album Folie a Deux.

Which is funny because that’s what the Song of the day is, that whole fucking album. Check it out wherever you can

Folie a Deux by Fall Out Boy.

-xohunter

The Summer Narrative. (August)

I know I promised you would get to hear the end of it, and I'm going to condense it for you, but summer can't relived. It was a magical experience but the more I write about it, the less magical it becomes. So I'm going to stop it here.
The end of it was that I met three wonderful people (more then that but those are the important faces) had some very strange experiences like dining with complete and perfect strangers. Staying out until one in the morning, walking home when I didn't know the way. (I was completely lost and hurt and pissed off.)
Looking at the experience now, I wouldn't change it for the life of me. It was being sixteen and wild and a little bit reckless. And it was truly magic. I saw white rocks and love and spirits. I felt connected and alive. There were people who I still think about, like the little Russian who just wanted to be a hard worker. He loved labor, and it was something that made him feel like a warrior. I met a kid who was trying to figure himself out and be kind to the world and change himself (He was a little bit strange, but it was the strangeness that drew me to him in the first place.)
There was the kind hearted scruffy guy, who was actually one of the people I had the deepest conversations with. He was so smart but didn't ever show it, we saw three baby deer in the hillside while searching for my friend. He kept me company because he wanted me to feel safe. There was the weird kid who fell in love while we were there, and had his heart broken when we left. He was sweet, if only a little naive. He felt like she was impossible, and he was right. I met a young girl who was messed up, but changing (I saw her change too, she's growing up fast.) She inspired me to be myself.
That was the summer narrative, the story was in the people I met and the way we connected in the short time I was there. Bobbi pointed out to me that they all respected each other and tried to be kind, I think that was true, at the end of it all.
Song of the day is Tides by The XX
-xohunter

Back to Work.

Back to school.

While breaks make you feel like you're wasting all your time and that you're not doing anything productive, the pragmatic dogma that is school sucks the soul out of your body. It's always hard the first day because no one wants to focus. As well as the fact that everyone is tired. Their sleeping schedule is all messed up and no one really wants to be there. Breaks are a beast, they mess up everything that the system builds throughout the year.

The break is needed though, before break everyone was dead and grey. At least we come back somewhat revived. Though I don't think that's a good thing. Mixing the revival of break and the horribleness of the Junior class is like mixing C4 and gasoline. It causes an explosion of dramatic proportions. I think we're going to be the most hated class in all of Ipoly history, and that makes me upset.

That's my claim to fame right now, "Three years of teachers literally hates my class and wishes they would be dismissed." I wish I could be dismissed, I wanted to make this year the absolute best but I don't think that it's going to happen. I want the Junior class to be nice, I want the teachers to be happy. And most of all I want my friends to be happy. I feel like we're all caught in a riptide, being sucked up by this void of negativity.

I don't know if I've got enough happy to make this year good for everyone. I hope that they can find their own happiness, because they deserve to be happy.

That's all I have for you. A short plea to the universe to bring something good to us.

Song's of the day can be located on a playlist here
-XOhunter

Two Hands.

WARNING: the following blog post contains triggering material and detailed talks of self harm and depression.

If you're sad/depressed/hurting, please know that you're not alone and there is always help. If you're in the US please call: 1-800-273-8255 

If you're outside the US please visit www.suicide.org and find your country. 

October is a bad month for me. 

While simultaneously being the best month of the year.

The worst because this is when I’m at my lowest. I remember my dad dying, and my hospitalization. The few times I’ve tried to end my life, and the more than few times I’ve thought about it. This month is my trigger month, because it’s my birth month. And despite the progress I’ve made in the past few years (and especially the past few months.) I still can’t quite shake the fact that I wish I had never been born. It’s hard, because I've finally decided to love myself, but the idea still remains.

Ever since I was little I thought my family shouldn’t have kept me. I used to wish my mom would have never had me. Later I wish they would have left me on a cliff side like the Romans. As I got older I would come back to the notions that I should correct their mistake. Make their lives better by ending mine. I only ever saw myself as a nuisance. I only ever saw myself as this event that should never have happened.

Instead of killing myself, I would self-harm. At first it was to feel something, because I just needed to feel anything. After the first big attempt and my subsequent reveal. ( I told my mother I had been self harming the day after my birthday, four days after that on the 1st of November, I was institutionalized.) I self-harmed out of habit. It was always there, so I kept doing it. From ages 14-15 it was release. And the past year or so it was anxiety control. Nothing like a good rush of adrenaline to get you thinking straight.

I tried to get help, convince my mom to take me back to a therapist, but it didn’t work. She told me to tell her when I felt that way and she would help. But just like when I was younger that turned out not to be true. She has a habit of lying, about what she would do for me and how she would help me. And this time I remembered that fact, the fact that she lied. So I helped myself. Got myself together and promised not to hurt myself anymore. I found out about witchy things, made new connections and I finally was able to say that she wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t the reason for my moms tendency to drink or lie, that was on her.

And here I am again, in October. 

My favorite month. 

*Halloween, autumn, horror movies, and my birthday. 

My least favorite month. 

*Triggers, memories, memorials, and my birthday.

And just like every October before it, I sit in my room crying over my choice. Because one hand is busy trying to find a blade, just dull enough not to leave a scar. While the other is holding on for dear life.

I don’t know what to do.

Song of the day is Guilt Tripping by frnkiero andthe celebration.

-xohunter

Feelings.

People will always have feelings.

And ninety percent of the time, they are going to be really freaking intense.

Today was a prime example of emotions being intense and freaking scary. Last night there was a five hour skype session between Cas, Vivian, Danaal, and I. The skype started with Vivian and I, then transposed into a group skype for Danaals birthday. So many things were talked about, from college to career. Relationships happen to come up a lot for us, so that became the topic for a few hours. (I can’t say too much about the inner workings of what happened, but emotions were quite high.) Rearranging meetings, and trying to figure out how to make things work. All this happening at midnight.

After midnight rolled through, I decided I was done attempting to do dishes and  instead went to my room. There we talked more about life and each other and so much about school. People started nodding off around 3AM but Cas and I talked until 4:30 at least. And what did we so happen to center on? Relationships, more specifically my lack of one. I told her that I needed to be set up with some of the kids at her school (because I Poly's dating pool is slim to no.)

All this got me thinking about how lonely I was. I was so happy that Cas decided to keep talking with me. I miss staying up all night talking about nothing and everything. I miss the unconditional trust that comes with it. You say things to 3 in the morning that no one else knows. And Cas chose to let me be her 3AM.

Today (and it was completely unintentional, no one was trying to hurt me it just happened on the wrong day.) Brooke and Peyton accidentally ditched me. And I was shattered. But I just decided that it was okay. Brooke was having exceptional emotional issues and Peyton was just trying to be a good friend to her. And that’s good, having friends that want to help each other deal and figure out how to handle donked up emotions are good. But I wasn’t included in that. I wasn’t her 3AM.

All this got me thinking about how I have no 3AM. I have noone to tell my darkest secrets too and to just breath with. I play that part so often and I don’t want to ask for anything in return, because helping my friends is it’s own reward… But still. A

This isn’t to say my friends wouldn’t be there for me when I needed them, because they are. They just don’t know what to do when strong, dependable Hunter comes crashing down. I always rebuild myself but they don’t know what to do with the rubble while it’s there. But I know that they’d still make a valiant effort to comfort me and make things better. They just can’t.

And that’s so lonely to say.

I was really upset at Brooke for putting her feelings and problems before mine today, and then I felt horrible because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. She needed to take care of herself, Hunter. How dare you try and rob her of that? What makes you think you’re special?

The answer was nothing, and that I was being stupid. Then I got angry. I wasn’t allowed to feel hurt because my friends felt hurt. My emotions hold less value because I have so many of them? Because I have emotions so often? What makes my emotions any less valuable than my friends? Lot’s of questions, very few answers.

Those are my emotions right now. All splayed up on a pretty background. This blog post ends and another will arise eluding to this one. Talking about drama restocked and resolved. That’s all I can do here, there is no pretty packaging on emotions. The paper is crumpled and ripped, the bow dilapidated and missing a few loops. I don’t know when these feelings of loneliness will fade, or what I’m supposed to do with the swirling pit of jealousy that’s breeding in my stomach. Making me dislike everything about me lately. Not physically, but emotionally. Whenever it does go away I’ll let you know if I can.

Song of the day Stage 4 Fear of Trying by FrnkIeroandtheCelebration.

-xohunter