The Summer Narrative. (August)

I know I promised you would get to hear the end of it, and I'm going to condense it for you, but summer can't relived. It was a magical experience but the more I write about it, the less magical it becomes. So I'm going to stop it here.
The end of it was that I met three wonderful people (more then that but those are the important faces) had some very strange experiences like dining with complete and perfect strangers. Staying out until one in the morning, walking home when I didn't know the way. (I was completely lost and hurt and pissed off.)
Looking at the experience now, I wouldn't change it for the life of me. It was being sixteen and wild and a little bit reckless. And it was truly magic. I saw white rocks and love and spirits. I felt connected and alive. There were people who I still think about, like the little Russian who just wanted to be a hard worker. He loved labor, and it was something that made him feel like a warrior. I met a kid who was trying to figure himself out and be kind to the world and change himself (He was a little bit strange, but it was the strangeness that drew me to him in the first place.)
There was the kind hearted scruffy guy, who was actually one of the people I had the deepest conversations with. He was so smart but didn't ever show it, we saw three baby deer in the hillside while searching for my friend. He kept me company because he wanted me to feel safe. There was the weird kid who fell in love while we were there, and had his heart broken when we left. He was sweet, if only a little naive. He felt like she was impossible, and he was right. I met a young girl who was messed up, but changing (I saw her change too, she's growing up fast.) She inspired me to be myself.
That was the summer narrative, the story was in the people I met and the way we connected in the short time I was there. Bobbi pointed out to me that they all respected each other and tried to be kind, I think that was true, at the end of it all.
Song of the day is Tides by The XX
-xohunter

Two Hands.

WARNING: the following blog post contains triggering material and detailed talks of self harm and depression.

If you're sad/depressed/hurting, please know that you're not alone and there is always help. If you're in the US please call: 1-800-273-8255 

If you're outside the US please visit www.suicide.org and find your country. 

October is a bad month for me. 

While simultaneously being the best month of the year.

The worst because this is when I’m at my lowest. I remember my dad dying, and my hospitalization. The few times I’ve tried to end my life, and the more than few times I’ve thought about it. This month is my trigger month, because it’s my birth month. And despite the progress I’ve made in the past few years (and especially the past few months.) I still can’t quite shake the fact that I wish I had never been born. It’s hard, because I've finally decided to love myself, but the idea still remains.

Ever since I was little I thought my family shouldn’t have kept me. I used to wish my mom would have never had me. Later I wish they would have left me on a cliff side like the Romans. As I got older I would come back to the notions that I should correct their mistake. Make their lives better by ending mine. I only ever saw myself as a nuisance. I only ever saw myself as this event that should never have happened.

Instead of killing myself, I would self-harm. At first it was to feel something, because I just needed to feel anything. After the first big attempt and my subsequent reveal. ( I told my mother I had been self harming the day after my birthday, four days after that on the 1st of November, I was institutionalized.) I self-harmed out of habit. It was always there, so I kept doing it. From ages 14-15 it was release. And the past year or so it was anxiety control. Nothing like a good rush of adrenaline to get you thinking straight.

I tried to get help, convince my mom to take me back to a therapist, but it didn’t work. She told me to tell her when I felt that way and she would help. But just like when I was younger that turned out not to be true. She has a habit of lying, about what she would do for me and how she would help me. And this time I remembered that fact, the fact that she lied. So I helped myself. Got myself together and promised not to hurt myself anymore. I found out about witchy things, made new connections and I finally was able to say that she wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t the reason for my moms tendency to drink or lie, that was on her.

And here I am again, in October. 

My favorite month. 

*Halloween, autumn, horror movies, and my birthday. 

My least favorite month. 

*Triggers, memories, memorials, and my birthday.

And just like every October before it, I sit in my room crying over my choice. Because one hand is busy trying to find a blade, just dull enough not to leave a scar. While the other is holding on for dear life.

I don’t know what to do.

Song of the day is Guilt Tripping by frnkiero andthe celebration.

-xohunter

Feelings.

People will always have feelings.

And ninety percent of the time, they are going to be really freaking intense.

Today was a prime example of emotions being intense and freaking scary. Last night there was a five hour skype session between Cas, Vivian, Danaal, and I. The skype started with Vivian and I, then transposed into a group skype for Danaals birthday. So many things were talked about, from college to career. Relationships happen to come up a lot for us, so that became the topic for a few hours. (I can’t say too much about the inner workings of what happened, but emotions were quite high.) Rearranging meetings, and trying to figure out how to make things work. All this happening at midnight.

After midnight rolled through, I decided I was done attempting to do dishes and  instead went to my room. There we talked more about life and each other and so much about school. People started nodding off around 3AM but Cas and I talked until 4:30 at least. And what did we so happen to center on? Relationships, more specifically my lack of one. I told her that I needed to be set up with some of the kids at her school (because I Poly's dating pool is slim to no.)

All this got me thinking about how lonely I was. I was so happy that Cas decided to keep talking with me. I miss staying up all night talking about nothing and everything. I miss the unconditional trust that comes with it. You say things to 3 in the morning that no one else knows. And Cas chose to let me be her 3AM.

Today (and it was completely unintentional, no one was trying to hurt me it just happened on the wrong day.) Brooke and Peyton accidentally ditched me. And I was shattered. But I just decided that it was okay. Brooke was having exceptional emotional issues and Peyton was just trying to be a good friend to her. And that’s good, having friends that want to help each other deal and figure out how to handle donked up emotions are good. But I wasn’t included in that. I wasn’t her 3AM.

All this got me thinking about how I have no 3AM. I have noone to tell my darkest secrets too and to just breath with. I play that part so often and I don’t want to ask for anything in return, because helping my friends is it’s own reward… But still. A

This isn’t to say my friends wouldn’t be there for me when I needed them, because they are. They just don’t know what to do when strong, dependable Hunter comes crashing down. I always rebuild myself but they don’t know what to do with the rubble while it’s there. But I know that they’d still make a valiant effort to comfort me and make things better. They just can’t.

And that’s so lonely to say.

I was really upset at Brooke for putting her feelings and problems before mine today, and then I felt horrible because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. She needed to take care of herself, Hunter. How dare you try and rob her of that? What makes you think you’re special?

The answer was nothing, and that I was being stupid. Then I got angry. I wasn’t allowed to feel hurt because my friends felt hurt. My emotions hold less value because I have so many of them? Because I have emotions so often? What makes my emotions any less valuable than my friends? Lot’s of questions, very few answers.

Those are my emotions right now. All splayed up on a pretty background. This blog post ends and another will arise eluding to this one. Talking about drama restocked and resolved. That’s all I can do here, there is no pretty packaging on emotions. The paper is crumpled and ripped, the bow dilapidated and missing a few loops. I don’t know when these feelings of loneliness will fade, or what I’m supposed to do with the swirling pit of jealousy that’s breeding in my stomach. Making me dislike everything about me lately. Not physically, but emotionally. Whenever it does go away I’ll let you know if I can.

Song of the day Stage 4 Fear of Trying by FrnkIeroandtheCelebration.

-xohunter

A Universe, Contained.

High school is often described as its own little world. A micro cosmic universe. Filled to the brim with independent social actions, classes, and repercussions. And high school is its own little world, but it feels more like a world at war.

Whether or not you know it, there is most likely a rumor spreading about you right now. Not all rumors are meant to be malicious, but often times are. I personally know three rumors about myself that are circulating right now:

1. I’m a lesbian (I’m actually pansexual.)
2. I’m a massive bitch (I can be…)
3. I’m P.C.B with my friend. (Amendment to the rumor: actually, it was that we were making out at the Farm Store??? Thank you, Nicole.)

Now, I personally could care less, but let’s focus on the last one for now. My friend (who will remain nameless and descriptionless because they are sensitive about this topic) was really upset about rumor number three. I will admit that I was upset too, though, not at the people who started the rumor or the rumor itself. No, I was upset with my friend. Why did they react that way? It was a stupid rumor made by people who read too far into things.

I spent the day thinking about how to handle this situation. Do I try and put a stop to the rumor, do I continue on like I was never effected? I was at a crossroads; the course of action I decided was to stop being affectionate all together. If that’s where the rumors stemmed from, then we cut the stem. I was planning on doing this without my friend’s knowledge but then, on impulse, I decided to text them everything.

They clarified that it wasn’t the rumor that bothered them, it was the fact that people we had never met decided that would be an ‘okay’ thing to do.

This all ties into how truly meaningless high school is. It’s drama, it’s hardship, it’s repetitive. In a year’s time, the whole experience will be wasting away in dusty scrapbook. Your diploma can’t really open any doors these days, and being in college is expensive. And even that can’t do anything! Being caught up in high school is ridiculous. Why put so much energy into something so fleeting?

But there is something about high school that does matter: good teachers. They care so much about you. They care about your success and your failure. Having a good teacher is having a family member at school, or having someone you can just confide in. Teachers can understand high school drama better than parents, because they live it too. They try their best to guide you through some of the most difficult years of your life.  

(Now I fully understand horrible teachers who do horrible things. Those people shouldn’t be teachers.)

The difference between being a high schooler and being a person is so exponentially vast that you can’t even compare them. As you get older, the two start to blend. You become more of a person and less of a high schooler. You have a life outside of school, and somehow you start to prioritize things differently.

High school is a world of its own, a micro chasm of drama and late work. And sometimes, when you’re in a strange between world, like high school.... Worlds collide.

The song of the day is Far Too Young To Die by Panic! at the Disco
-xoHunter

Lazy.

I've been sitting on this next blog post for over a week so what it contains may no longer be relevant but whatever. I never quite cared for continuity.
So, as they say, on with the show,
"Septemeber 16th 2014
Oh the melodrama.

So, this weekend was simultaneously the most tremendous accomplishment and biggest failure in existence. Spiritually it was fantastic. Revelations and cuddles were abound. In the realm of being dramatic, however, it excelled a little too much.

I’m not going to rehash the drama, as the wound is still fresh and I don’t want to offend any friends or former friends. As it stands, I’m not trying to hurt anyone.

Life is getting complicated this junior year but splendidly so. Being Edwards T.A. is super fantastic and I’m so happy I made this choice. I’m so happy that I made the choice to hang out this weekend, I’m happy that I seem to have freedom. Everything is turning up my way and I feel blessed, and humble. Last year really was my character development year, and now I get the falling action.

Junior year,

Senior year,

Graduation.

I was thinking about time the other day and the way it affects our lives. Danny, Chloe, and I have been friends since seventh grade. Correct me if I’m wrong but I've known them for four years! That’s insane, and I had my third anniversary with Brooke last week. I’m going to be seventeen in a month, next year I’m going to be an adult.

Time keeps catching me and making me rethink things. If you asked me five years ago where I was going to be, I would have told you dead. Now I won’t ever give up, not on myself, not on my friends. I feel like I’m ready, I don’t know how, but I feel like I can take it all this time and shoot it right back out. No power in the verse will stop me.

That’s why the drama isn't so devastating this time. There is no punch, it takes me back a times. Over all I just think it’s stupid. I get it though, it’s high school.

I live in a little bubble, a separate entity from the real world. There are so many adult things that I don’t have to deal with. Like this week, I figured out that a person in my life wasn't a good person (The Drama) so I said goodbye. I don’t think you can do that in adult world. I’ll probably do it anyway regardless. I don’t like rules.

That’s about it, there isn't any real hidden meaning to all this, just thoughts that have come to me as of lately.

Song of the day is Escape by The Kongos. "

Looking back I agree with my whole heart that what I wrote is true. I am confident in the direction I'm heading and in my heart of hearts I know that I will be okay, and I will do the things that make me happy.

The song for today is How Far We've Come by Matchbox Twenty.

(For a happy blast to the past in retrospect of the future.)

-XoHunter
1-22-15 (January 22nd 2015) A not so happy retrospect from a distant future. 
While everything I wrote here at the time was true, I hate to say it but, things change. There were powers in the verse that could knock me back on my ass like I deserved for being a selfish, self serving assclown. Not just that but manipulative and repulsive. I assaulted someone I called my best friend, literally imposed my will on them and just like the rules state it came back at me three fold. And rightfully so. But like I said, I'm going to be an adult this year, this was a lesson that I needed to learn. I need to change my behavior before I can move forward, and the only way to do that is by looking back and correcting past errors. The drama will more then take you back because the words you get hit with are important ones that you need to hear. You'll learn from it, and come out better on the otherside. Always remember who got hurt for you to learn though, never forget their names and faces.

Walking Into a Candle Shop.

Hey there!
Today I'm going to tell you the story of how walking into a candle shop might have changed my life forever....

It was 5 o'clock on a Thursday when Bobbi and I rolled into Solvang. We had just finished a week in Pismo Beach with my grandparents and now we were on the second leg of our trip. Four days in the King James Inn, located in the small Danish impostor town of Solvang. The street rolls up in Solvang at five, so satisfying our adventurous spirits was going to be a challenge. I was on a hunt for the Rainbow Tea shop (which I later learned had closed down months before.) My search was looking like a lost cause, so Bobbi suggested we check out some other stores. We found a candle shop that sold little touristy items at extremely low prices. As we were looking around, laughing and being generally exhausted from the drive, a girl with green hair walked into the shop. She looked like she was nineteen and having a bad day. So I called out to her,
"Hey, sorry this may be totally weird, but I really like your hair."
I forget her intimidate response, but somehow we started having a conversation. She said her name was Ari. I took it upon myself to introduce Bobbi and I,
"I'm Hunter, and this is Bobbi. We're girls with boys names."
"Really, like those are your actual names?" Her response was intimidate.
"Yep."
And that's how we continued. Ari and Bobbi had similar taste in music, I had no clue what they were talking about so I busied myself with things in the shop. We stuck around aimlessly wondering and Ari said,
"Yeah this is my first day working here."
My thoughts were, 'Wow, how lucky are we?' I'm not sure if I said it or not, but knowing me I probably did.
Somehow she roped us into buying some cool stickers. And she eventually asked us to hang out after she closed up shop. We exchanged numbers (I fucked mine up by accident.) And that was it.
Until she texted us the next morning.

I was thinking about this today because Ari is now someone I would consider a really good friend. I only knew her for four days, but she's made such an impression on me. I love the fact that I have her for a friend now all because I walked into a candle shop and told a girl that I liked her green hair.

If you want to hear more stories from Solvang, stay tuned because the next installment is coming soon.
Ari showed me some songs today so go check out Big Jet Plane by Angus and Julia Stone
Check you next time,
-xoHunter

Summer (An Introductions)

Hey there new person in my life,
So this is my summer blog. A little back story, I'm Hunter. I'm a Junior in high school, sixteen years old, female, living in Southern California. I spend a majority of my time doing something on my laptop, this ranges from blogging to writing to watching netflix. I'm pretty social in the right situations, but I'd prefer to stay with my close friend group and do fun stuff with them. This summer I reformed my view on myself. I took a good look at what made me tick and I kept the stuff I liked (like a hopeful and loving tone and weird facial expressions) and dropped the stuff I didn't (Negative attitude and an aptitude for self destruction.) That kicked off the strange summer of 2014.
I then got really close to a friend of mine named Bobbi. She's an absolute crazy person and I mean that in the best way. She cares and is so knowledgeable about the spiritual world, she was my real life spirit guide. She taught me about the stars and the worlds effect on me and the ways I affect the world. With this new found view of myself I invited Bobbi on an adventure with me.
(SIDE: The reason Bobbi was one of the best choices for an adventure was earlier this year we did a drama festival called Fullerton Festival. I thought this was my last Fullerton, which I will get into on another day, so I was on a mission to get my first kiss. And to ensure I did and to help me find *Him* I brought Bobbi along with me. We we're friends at this point and had several encounters but we weren't half as close as we are now. Long story short, I kissed three people, Bobbi was hit on, and we danced together and met Jesus.)
This was possibly the best choice I've made in my life so far. I did things that I would have never done if I was on my own or with anyone else. She propelled me to try things and to not be so scared. She also taught me a lot about myself. We had some really awesome talks and really cool adventures. And of course along the way we met some really cool people.
There will be a whole post about them soon I hope.
Then we came home, and I was happy and that was not an entirely normal feeling for me (I'm excited to say it's pretty normal now.) And Bobbi invited me to a concert. I'd already seen the band playing but who could say no to another adventure. When we went we met people and had an amazing time. Seriously it was a party in a peanut shell.
And then we parted ways once again. Only to call each other almost everyday and send various correspondences through facebook. On one such evening we decided we wanted to change the world. (There will be a blog post about that too.)
And now summer is ending. I need to finish my Romeo and Juliet summer homework, get school supplies and continue to revamp my style. This summer has been a trip and a half. I'm so happy that it happened, this is my last real summer before I start looking at schools and internships and trying to figure out how I want the next five years to go (I have some idea but....) This summer has changed me for the better and I'm so happy that I get to share it with you.
Okay, that's it for tonight, check back later this week to hear more stories about my summer and be inspired to.... I don't really know, maybe to take life into your own hands.
This blog is a continuation of my old blog Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year. And to keep with the spirit of that blog here's a link to a playlist I made that helps tell the story of this summer.
Love you,
-xoHunter