The Summer Narrative. (August)

I know I promised you would get to hear the end of it, and I'm going to condense it for you, but summer can't relived. It was a magical experience but the more I write about it, the less magical it becomes. So I'm going to stop it here.
The end of it was that I met three wonderful people (more then that but those are the important faces) had some very strange experiences like dining with complete and perfect strangers. Staying out until one in the morning, walking home when I didn't know the way. (I was completely lost and hurt and pissed off.)
Looking at the experience now, I wouldn't change it for the life of me. It was being sixteen and wild and a little bit reckless. And it was truly magic. I saw white rocks and love and spirits. I felt connected and alive. There were people who I still think about, like the little Russian who just wanted to be a hard worker. He loved labor, and it was something that made him feel like a warrior. I met a kid who was trying to figure himself out and be kind to the world and change himself (He was a little bit strange, but it was the strangeness that drew me to him in the first place.)
There was the kind hearted scruffy guy, who was actually one of the people I had the deepest conversations with. He was so smart but didn't ever show it, we saw three baby deer in the hillside while searching for my friend. He kept me company because he wanted me to feel safe. There was the weird kid who fell in love while we were there, and had his heart broken when we left. He was sweet, if only a little naive. He felt like she was impossible, and he was right. I met a young girl who was messed up, but changing (I saw her change too, she's growing up fast.) She inspired me to be myself.
That was the summer narrative, the story was in the people I met and the way we connected in the short time I was there. Bobbi pointed out to me that they all respected each other and tried to be kind, I think that was true, at the end of it all.
Song of the day is Tides by The XX
-xohunter

Feelings to a lesser degree.

Friendship is a weird thing.
You love your friends with all your heart, you'd kill for them, you'd die for them. Sometimes this message gets lost in the sea of tomfoolery that is high school. That is what is happening to me.

There are a few things you have to know about me and how I operate before my take on friendship actually makes sense.

1) I am sticky.
When I get into a relationship of any kind (friendship,mateship, new parental figureship) I will extensively evaluate who they are, what they believe, and how good of a person they are. I normally have a pretty good judge of character so if you pass my test, you are automatically in my inner circle. That being said, my inner circle is relatively small (for me anyway) because the test isn't easy to pass. Most people don't and they end up in my outer circle. What does this have to do with me being sticky? When you come into the inner circle, I will begin my spiral of caring about you. I will ask if you're okay, I will do things to make you smile, and I will fight to spend time with you. And here's where the sticky comes into play, even if we stop being 'friends' I will still care about you. It's just who I am, so from afar or through what mutual friends we have, I will ensure your emotional happiness and security. The same goes for the outer circle, it's just not as intense.
2) I am jealous.
If you make it to the inner circle and you have a datemate, or someone else who gets more of your emotions then I do, I will become vehemently jealous. I require a lot of attention. This attention can be given to me in multiple ways that are not the direct "OMFG besties." You texting me first, asking me questions/for advice, you giving me something (New poem, present, song recommendation, piece of food, hug), and finally just plain attention. So if there is someone else in your life, that's all good with me, but if they get your attention first or more then me, then I get pissy. This is my problem, and it's just sorta who I am, I'm trying to learn how to deal with it better. The thing is, when I get angry about it I come up with little things like "Why didn't you just hug me, hug me and I would have been fine." Or various other phrases. So in that sense, I'm a little high maintenance.
3)I have a habit of changing mood really (really) quickly.
One minute I'm sunshine and kittens, the next I'm a doom and gloom monsoon. This is because my thoughts (and memories) come in at a mile a minute, so one minute I will be thinking sunshine and kittens, the next I'm thinking that all my friends hate me and none of them want to be near me. This ties into jealousy because I need near constant reassurance that you love me and don't want me to go away. Like jealousy, they don't have to be huge things, one of my favorite ones is when Vivian posts pictures of songs that remind her of me. That is one of the best ways to do it, because the song gives the words for you or it's directly related to memories that will trigger a happy mood from me.
4) I can be really (really) ambitious.
When I set my mind on something, it's going to happen. I don't care about the fall out, I don't care about the discomfort I might experience. Because of this and my resourcefulness, I often times cook up some semi- dangerous scenes and sorta demand participation. It always makes for good stories though. This is sorta my bow, because it is a great culmination of all my traits. I demand my inner circle to be apart of whatever the scheme is, I get jealous when they wont, my mood goes dark, and boom angry energy and a seriously intense plan. (This can also go positively which is always nice.)

Now thing is, not all my friends in my inner circle know that they are in the inner circle. Let's face it, the fact that I have a list(circle) of who gets priory of my feelings is kinda exclusionary. So I can't just tell them that they are in the inner circle because that would be shitty of me. This creates confusion, especially when they don't (I don't want to say follow my rules, but it's kind exactly that.) I get grumpy at them. They think they are being terrible friends, and the whole thing spirals into a mess.
This is my public service announcement. This is me and how my head works. I will always love my friends (#1 Sticky) You will inevitably piss me off (# 2,3) But I will always want to have you in my life (#4). I will love all my friends until the day I get left behind, then I'll love them a little bit more.

Song of the day is Vegas by All Time Low 
Go hug your friends and tell them they mean everything.
-xohunter

A Universe, Contained.

High school is often described as its own little world. A micro cosmic universe. Filled to the brim with independent social actions, classes, and repercussions. And high school is its own little world, but it feels more like a world at war.

Whether or not you know it, there is most likely a rumor spreading about you right now. Not all rumors are meant to be malicious, but often times are. I personally know three rumors about myself that are circulating right now:

1. I’m a lesbian (I’m actually pansexual.)
2. I’m a massive bitch (I can be…)
3. I’m P.C.B with my friend. (Amendment to the rumor: actually, it was that we were making out at the Farm Store??? Thank you, Nicole.)

Now, I personally could care less, but let’s focus on the last one for now. My friend (who will remain nameless and descriptionless because they are sensitive about this topic) was really upset about rumor number three. I will admit that I was upset too, though, not at the people who started the rumor or the rumor itself. No, I was upset with my friend. Why did they react that way? It was a stupid rumor made by people who read too far into things.

I spent the day thinking about how to handle this situation. Do I try and put a stop to the rumor, do I continue on like I was never effected? I was at a crossroads; the course of action I decided was to stop being affectionate all together. If that’s where the rumors stemmed from, then we cut the stem. I was planning on doing this without my friend’s knowledge but then, on impulse, I decided to text them everything.

They clarified that it wasn’t the rumor that bothered them, it was the fact that people we had never met decided that would be an ‘okay’ thing to do.

This all ties into how truly meaningless high school is. It’s drama, it’s hardship, it’s repetitive. In a year’s time, the whole experience will be wasting away in dusty scrapbook. Your diploma can’t really open any doors these days, and being in college is expensive. And even that can’t do anything! Being caught up in high school is ridiculous. Why put so much energy into something so fleeting?

But there is something about high school that does matter: good teachers. They care so much about you. They care about your success and your failure. Having a good teacher is having a family member at school, or having someone you can just confide in. Teachers can understand high school drama better than parents, because they live it too. They try their best to guide you through some of the most difficult years of your life.  

(Now I fully understand horrible teachers who do horrible things. Those people shouldn’t be teachers.)

The difference between being a high schooler and being a person is so exponentially vast that you can’t even compare them. As you get older, the two start to blend. You become more of a person and less of a high schooler. You have a life outside of school, and somehow you start to prioritize things differently.

High school is a world of its own, a micro chasm of drama and late work. And sometimes, when you’re in a strange between world, like high school.... Worlds collide.

The song of the day is Far Too Young To Die by Panic! at the Disco
-xoHunter

Two Days Ago.

7:30 am, September 5th, 2014.

Okay blog, time to get real.

This is happening just before school and i’m still kinda rage-y from last night. But I still want to talk about what has been going on the last two-ish weeks because I've been a bit vague. Ipoly is now in full swing and being a junior isn't bad at all. A lot of my more reluctant classmates are getting that too.  

We've had two official weeks of classes. (Though I don’t really count this week because we had Monday off.) My favorite class so far is English, no surprise there. Mrs. Edwards is a fantastic teacher and needs to be experienced by everyone. I’m not failing any classes yet, I understand it’s only the second week, but I've failed faster in the past so it wouldn't have surprised me.

I actually feel pretty content to be honest, the year is looking really bright and I’m feeling confident. Hopefully the trend continues.

Now to get into the dramatastic meat and potatoes. You didn't think that you wouldn't be informed of any drama that did happen right? There is this kid, who won't be named because I’m not here to talk shit I’m here to gossip. Which, yeah, it’s the same thing. But in my defense I’m pretty sure that talking shit is malicious while gossiping is when you don’t want anyone to be hurt.

Anyway.

They have a habit of being overly flirty and they specifically are flirting with someone I care about. Now I told this person to stop because honestly they need to focus on themselves and fix what's going on instead of delving into another relationship.

I don’t get high schoolers. They complain about everything, do nothing, and think getting into a relationship is this magical fix-it-all tonic. It’s not (FYI) being in a relationship just means you have all that drama and all those issues, and now you have someone to be emotionally invested in on top of that? No thank you. Now some of the older readers may be thinking “It’s not like that!” Well it is when you’re sixteen. Because, let’s all face it, when you’re sixteen you’re in a relationship for sex or for the magic fix-it-all. Very rarely is it because you just really like them.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people who don’t want only those things, but they are totally there.

So yeah that’s what the last two weeks have been like. And, y’know, class stuff.

I’m probably going to add to this throughout the day because I get bored. And i'm staying like 3 hours later then I actually need to. Go drama! (which I’m not technically a part of.) Maybe I’ll actually get ahead for once and have stuff to post. Work out some of those plot bunnies i’m always complaining I never get (but i get them all the time lets be completely honest.)

(In hind sight, I didn't do that)

Song of the day Cardiac Arrest by Bad Suns (Thank you Vivian)

-xoHunter

Puffy stickers and Incandescent words.

Hello.
Today is not about lighting up as much as it's about emotions.
Going to Ipoly you're forced to confront a lot of emotions, some of them very negative and uncomfortable.
Sometimes these emotions can get out of control. That's when the feeling starts. It rises through your gut and into your abdomen and you look like you're going to be see sick but your body is shriveling like it's in a drought.
that feeling is the complete opposite of how life is supposed to feel like.
And I know those feelings and they suck the life out of you.
If you're feeling that it will get better, I don't know how long it will take but it will.
I love you so so much. I only ever want you to feel that sunshine in your veins.
So if your parents suck like mine do: remember it's all going to be over soon, 18 and then freedom.
If your teachers suck: They have sad lives. They are sad people. If you feel uncomfortable or upset, go to your schools office and let them know.
If your friends make you feel like you shouldn't be alive: Dump them. They don't deserve you and you will find people who will.
Everything heals with time, even the deepest of wounds.
I love you so much,
-xoHunter

Summer (An Introductions)

Hey there new person in my life,
So this is my summer blog. A little back story, I'm Hunter. I'm a Junior in high school, sixteen years old, female, living in Southern California. I spend a majority of my time doing something on my laptop, this ranges from blogging to writing to watching netflix. I'm pretty social in the right situations, but I'd prefer to stay with my close friend group and do fun stuff with them. This summer I reformed my view on myself. I took a good look at what made me tick and I kept the stuff I liked (like a hopeful and loving tone and weird facial expressions) and dropped the stuff I didn't (Negative attitude and an aptitude for self destruction.) That kicked off the strange summer of 2014.
I then got really close to a friend of mine named Bobbi. She's an absolute crazy person and I mean that in the best way. She cares and is so knowledgeable about the spiritual world, she was my real life spirit guide. She taught me about the stars and the worlds effect on me and the ways I affect the world. With this new found view of myself I invited Bobbi on an adventure with me.
(SIDE: The reason Bobbi was one of the best choices for an adventure was earlier this year we did a drama festival called Fullerton Festival. I thought this was my last Fullerton, which I will get into on another day, so I was on a mission to get my first kiss. And to ensure I did and to help me find *Him* I brought Bobbi along with me. We we're friends at this point and had several encounters but we weren't half as close as we are now. Long story short, I kissed three people, Bobbi was hit on, and we danced together and met Jesus.)
This was possibly the best choice I've made in my life so far. I did things that I would have never done if I was on my own or with anyone else. She propelled me to try things and to not be so scared. She also taught me a lot about myself. We had some really awesome talks and really cool adventures. And of course along the way we met some really cool people.
There will be a whole post about them soon I hope.
Then we came home, and I was happy and that was not an entirely normal feeling for me (I'm excited to say it's pretty normal now.) And Bobbi invited me to a concert. I'd already seen the band playing but who could say no to another adventure. When we went we met people and had an amazing time. Seriously it was a party in a peanut shell.
And then we parted ways once again. Only to call each other almost everyday and send various correspondences through facebook. On one such evening we decided we wanted to change the world. (There will be a blog post about that too.)
And now summer is ending. I need to finish my Romeo and Juliet summer homework, get school supplies and continue to revamp my style. This summer has been a trip and a half. I'm so happy that it happened, this is my last real summer before I start looking at schools and internships and trying to figure out how I want the next five years to go (I have some idea but....) This summer has changed me for the better and I'm so happy that I get to share it with you.
Okay, that's it for tonight, check back later this week to hear more stories about my summer and be inspired to.... I don't really know, maybe to take life into your own hands.
This blog is a continuation of my old blog Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year. And to keep with the spirit of that blog here's a link to a playlist I made that helps tell the story of this summer.
Love you,
-xoHunter