Ipoly's Labyrinth

I don't have strep throat anymore!

Okay that isn't entirely true, I more then likely still have the virus (bacteria?) in me, I'm just no longer contagious and therefore I can go to school. Which I did today. As normal I forgot how little I enjoyed being in a school environment. It would be different if the people didn't suck, but they do. It was an eventful first day back, and will be a hellish week to follow. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do in order to make up the work that I'm missing. (Like the 10 assignments I'm missing in Pang's class. Chemistry is a bitch.) 

I also got to see everyone and figure out what happened while I was gone. Looks like my best friend is back with their ex. (See I love it because, I call everyone my best friend so no one really knows. To be clear I only refer to my Inner Circle as my best friends. I made a post about it...) And everyone is feeling the impending doom of break. Mr. Hedman also made me laugh because of his class today. I find myself increasingly done with algebra II. The subject matter is hard and bothersome. Maddie Doctor and I spent the morning in a tissy trying to figure out what in the hell we were supposed to be doing, eventually we gave up and just drew sperm (which actually came out to the right answer! Yay.) 

Lunch was eventful today, as I essentially called my friends out and told them they needed to look within themselves to find their inner path to true happiness. Because as sad and moody as I am, I know in the grand scheme I'm going to end up fine. Due to that I have this inner peace that just exists. I think it has to do with my abilities as a seer. Which is all very complicated and involves a lot of links and is very personal. Even though I'd like to share that part of me with the world (or at least find someone whose like me) I get the feeling that it doesn't work that way.

Fourth block was fun. Vivian and I got to hang out and just chill. Edwards and the Junior team were making the second semester project, so all the Juniors in the room (Vivian, Bailey, and I) had to vacate the premise. This led to Viv and I moving to the Sophomore corridor stairway grotto thing. It's a little landing after the top of the Sophomore staircase that everyone hangs out at. Except forth block because everyone has class

 The main frustration of the day; Sexist Teenage Boys and Girls Who Excuse Their Actions. 

I get that dating people makes you see things all weird and caddywompuss. That doesn't excuse the fact that teenage boys who have a secret chat where they are sexist and misogynistic is okay. Even if your boyfriend belongs to the chat and says stuff, it is still not okay to use the excuse "He's in a chat with a bunch of guys!!!" That means jack shit. They are still creeps no matter if they are in a room full of men or by themselves. It's behavior like that, that spreads the idea that it's okay to think that way. (lots of 'that's in that sentence.)

Sometimes I don't get why people just let important issues go to the wayside. My reason for being aggressive about political and social issues like that may be due to what Chloe calls my "Ability to do the hard stuff". We were discussing why people lie and she told me it was because people don't like awkward situations where they have to face their dirty laundry. The same argument was brought to me today in History class as we were reading about early immigrants. Americans didn't want immigrants to come into the country after awhile and while most write it off as an economic thing, another reason was that White American immigrants didn't want to own up to their history as immigrants.

These were just some thoughts that were rattling around my brain, I will likely update you again tomorrow, or maybe Wednesday. Depending on how homework/notebook/sleep scheduled goes.

The song(s) of the day can be found on this playlist. Keep an eye on it because I will be adding more songs to it when time permits.

-Xohunter

Strepping Up

I have strep throat.
Yeah, this kinda sucks and it takes me out of the running for school until Monday, which will be hella I'm sure. Because missing three days at Ipoly is like missing a whole week. I am sure that it wont prove to want to make me throw myself into the sea.

Speaking of which, I would love to visit the sea, so if any followers or readers have any beach front property they'd like to rent out for a limerick or two. I'm positive we could come to an agreement. With all that being said, I'm doing quite nicely.

I'm confined to my room for the next three days, I have a party to go to on Saturday (which I'm hoping I'm better for) and a lot to do before I can save anyone. So what am I doing instead? Browsing tumblr and making playlists. Very bad ones too, I only listen to shitty emo pop-punk. (That's not actually true, but you'd get more weird stuff from my love Peyton. Or my second love Vivian.)

When I actually start updating stuff, I'll let you know and add some links or something. I will most likely be making them through Spotify or maybe Grooveshark. Not sure though.

Today's song of the day is Flaws by Bastielle.
It's just a good song and I remember that I found comfort in it.
-XOhunter

Winter Is Coming.

Whenever winter starts to role around, my body shits itself.
Mucus and coughing, I look like a victim of the black death. I feel a hundred times worse though, because my chest is heavy and it's hard to breath. As well as my head pounding and this annoying pressure right behind my eyes. The only thing I want to do is sleep when I'm like this. Unfortunately I do have to do things, like school. School is the worst when you're sick, because not only can you not focus, but you're in pain.

The good news is that it's raining and that's always fun. Although it's really cold, wear a blanket to school cold. (And before anyone says "You don't know cold!!!!11!1!" Stop. You're right it's colder where you're at. But I'm still going to complain.)

School has been pretty uneventful on a whole. Today was a typical rainy day, everyone is too tired to do anything and the teachers are kinda done. Everyone is pretty done.
That doesn't stop the work from piling up though:

This week 12/1-12/5

• Math worksheet (2)
• Science worksheet (1)
• Science test
• Science lab (?)
• Blog assignment
• Recitations 

Next week 12/8-12/12

• Component five all week
• Probably more math
• Also more science
• Nav's Notebook (this thing will make everything suck)

Last week before break 12/15-12/19

• Component five due
• Component six intro
• Math test
• Work on English final
• "house party" or an excuse to be assholes.

Then I get to be done with school for a few weeks. Then you come back and it happens again.

Hard to stay positive when I feel like death. I'm managing though, and I'm glad that it's almost over. 

Song of the day is Shadow Play by The Killers

-XOhunter

Back to Work.

Back to school.

While breaks make you feel like you're wasting all your time and that you're not doing anything productive, the pragmatic dogma that is school sucks the soul out of your body. It's always hard the first day because no one wants to focus. As well as the fact that everyone is tired. Their sleeping schedule is all messed up and no one really wants to be there. Breaks are a beast, they mess up everything that the system builds throughout the year.

The break is needed though, before break everyone was dead and grey. At least we come back somewhat revived. Though I don't think that's a good thing. Mixing the revival of break and the horribleness of the Junior class is like mixing C4 and gasoline. It causes an explosion of dramatic proportions. I think we're going to be the most hated class in all of Ipoly history, and that makes me upset.

That's my claim to fame right now, "Three years of teachers literally hates my class and wishes they would be dismissed." I wish I could be dismissed, I wanted to make this year the absolute best but I don't think that it's going to happen. I want the Junior class to be nice, I want the teachers to be happy. And most of all I want my friends to be happy. I feel like we're all caught in a riptide, being sucked up by this void of negativity.

I don't know if I've got enough happy to make this year good for everyone. I hope that they can find their own happiness, because they deserve to be happy.

That's all I have for you. A short plea to the universe to bring something good to us.

Song's of the day can be located on a playlist here
-XOhunter

Break Time

Hello wonderful human.
So I live in America, home of the capitalist and dirty cop/politician/teacher. We get one week off (depending on your school code or whatever) because some asshole decided to commit genocide on and indigenous population. (Christopher "The OG Fuckboi" Columbus) Now this is not to remember this tragady and promote awareness for the current state of said Native population (Check out this resource pack to educate yourself on their culture this week), but instead it is to uphold the image of the sham that was the first feast with the pilgrims (the 100 British men who settled in Virginia before it was Virginia) shared with their Native friends. When in actuality it was the wise Natives who shared with the European savages who forgot that winter was a thing. They essentially held the Natives at gun point and told them to plant corn. (assholes)

Now that we've established that "Thanksgiving" is fucking stupid, let's continue.

We get a break during this week so we can over indulge on food on Thursday, and then the following Friday spend money to boost the winter sales of businesses. Students know it as the last week before hell. Because, like spring break, thanksgiving break means hellish amounts of work before winter break. I personally don't like to think about it because it's kind of a downer. So instead I spend the week living like I will die the following Monday morning. Exorbitant food, movies, and candy. This year I was also going to try and get a date or two, but I've decided to postpone until further notice.

As it so happens I may acutally get time to update the blog, and depending on my mood, fill in some of the gaps that may have appeared over the course of Junior year.

Also I'm starting the count down until the end of Junior year (I'm going to try and find a widget too).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6 MONTHS 11 DAYS TO GO UNTIL THE END.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's it for me today kiddos, be save this next week and if you're in America, go volunteer and feed the less fortunate.
Song of the day is I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy, And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me by Fall Out Boy
-XOhunter

Better Late Than Never.

Sometimes I'm really good at writing.

Other times I leave things to collect dust and claim that "The idea just wasn't good enough" or "This just shouldn't get posted." Because you get taught that, no you don't have to publish everything. It's about quality not quantity. I'm all caught up in a world that wants me to quantify myself. Quantify my answers, quantify my plan for the next ten years. I'd rather have more to build off of, than try and build from perfection.

So I left summer spaces to rot, because everything that was happening was happening so quickly. I was also really fucking sad, and trying to convince myself not to be so I wouldn't drag down my friends. Now I realize how stupid that was. I couldn't make myself happy for them, because I was focusing on them. Trying to be perfect for them, turns out that I needed to look at myself and become happy for me. And how do I get anything done? Quantity. Do a lot and make it count.

So that's what I'm going to do. Because it's stupid to let the worlds need for perfection run my life. I'm so not perfect and that's great. Now I have something to build off of. You can't make a diamond any shinier, but you sure as hell can get broken glass pretty sparkly. I'll take all these little pieces I deemed unworthy or grotesque and I'll post them anyway.

Because that's the only way I'll get stuff done, if I do it a lot.

Onwards and Upwards.

Song of the day is Miracle Mile by Cold War Kids

-xoHunter

Feelings to a lesser degree.

Friendship is a weird thing.
You love your friends with all your heart, you'd kill for them, you'd die for them. Sometimes this message gets lost in the sea of tomfoolery that is high school. That is what is happening to me.

There are a few things you have to know about me and how I operate before my take on friendship actually makes sense.

1) I am sticky.
When I get into a relationship of any kind (friendship,mateship, new parental figureship) I will extensively evaluate who they are, what they believe, and how good of a person they are. I normally have a pretty good judge of character so if you pass my test, you are automatically in my inner circle. That being said, my inner circle is relatively small (for me anyway) because the test isn't easy to pass. Most people don't and they end up in my outer circle. What does this have to do with me being sticky? When you come into the inner circle, I will begin my spiral of caring about you. I will ask if you're okay, I will do things to make you smile, and I will fight to spend time with you. And here's where the sticky comes into play, even if we stop being 'friends' I will still care about you. It's just who I am, so from afar or through what mutual friends we have, I will ensure your emotional happiness and security. The same goes for the outer circle, it's just not as intense.
2) I am jealous.
If you make it to the inner circle and you have a datemate, or someone else who gets more of your emotions then I do, I will become vehemently jealous. I require a lot of attention. This attention can be given to me in multiple ways that are not the direct "OMFG besties." You texting me first, asking me questions/for advice, you giving me something (New poem, present, song recommendation, piece of food, hug), and finally just plain attention. So if there is someone else in your life, that's all good with me, but if they get your attention first or more then me, then I get pissy. This is my problem, and it's just sorta who I am, I'm trying to learn how to deal with it better. The thing is, when I get angry about it I come up with little things like "Why didn't you just hug me, hug me and I would have been fine." Or various other phrases. So in that sense, I'm a little high maintenance.
3)I have a habit of changing mood really (really) quickly.
One minute I'm sunshine and kittens, the next I'm a doom and gloom monsoon. This is because my thoughts (and memories) come in at a mile a minute, so one minute I will be thinking sunshine and kittens, the next I'm thinking that all my friends hate me and none of them want to be near me. This ties into jealousy because I need near constant reassurance that you love me and don't want me to go away. Like jealousy, they don't have to be huge things, one of my favorite ones is when Vivian posts pictures of songs that remind her of me. That is one of the best ways to do it, because the song gives the words for you or it's directly related to memories that will trigger a happy mood from me.
4) I can be really (really) ambitious.
When I set my mind on something, it's going to happen. I don't care about the fall out, I don't care about the discomfort I might experience. Because of this and my resourcefulness, I often times cook up some semi- dangerous scenes and sorta demand participation. It always makes for good stories though. This is sorta my bow, because it is a great culmination of all my traits. I demand my inner circle to be apart of whatever the scheme is, I get jealous when they wont, my mood goes dark, and boom angry energy and a seriously intense plan. (This can also go positively which is always nice.)

Now thing is, not all my friends in my inner circle know that they are in the inner circle. Let's face it, the fact that I have a list(circle) of who gets priory of my feelings is kinda exclusionary. So I can't just tell them that they are in the inner circle because that would be shitty of me. This creates confusion, especially when they don't (I don't want to say follow my rules, but it's kind exactly that.) I get grumpy at them. They think they are being terrible friends, and the whole thing spirals into a mess.
This is my public service announcement. This is me and how my head works. I will always love my friends (#1 Sticky) You will inevitably piss me off (# 2,3) But I will always want to have you in my life (#4). I will love all my friends until the day I get left behind, then I'll love them a little bit more.

Song of the day is Vegas by All Time Low 
Go hug your friends and tell them they mean everything.
-xohunter

Two Hands.

WARNING: the following blog post contains triggering material and detailed talks of self harm and depression.

If you're sad/depressed/hurting, please know that you're not alone and there is always help. If you're in the US please call: 1-800-273-8255 

If you're outside the US please visit www.suicide.org and find your country. 

October is a bad month for me. 

While simultaneously being the best month of the year.

The worst because this is when I’m at my lowest. I remember my dad dying, and my hospitalization. The few times I’ve tried to end my life, and the more than few times I’ve thought about it. This month is my trigger month, because it’s my birth month. And despite the progress I’ve made in the past few years (and especially the past few months.) I still can’t quite shake the fact that I wish I had never been born. It’s hard, because I've finally decided to love myself, but the idea still remains.

Ever since I was little I thought my family shouldn’t have kept me. I used to wish my mom would have never had me. Later I wish they would have left me on a cliff side like the Romans. As I got older I would come back to the notions that I should correct their mistake. Make their lives better by ending mine. I only ever saw myself as a nuisance. I only ever saw myself as this event that should never have happened.

Instead of killing myself, I would self-harm. At first it was to feel something, because I just needed to feel anything. After the first big attempt and my subsequent reveal. ( I told my mother I had been self harming the day after my birthday, four days after that on the 1st of November, I was institutionalized.) I self-harmed out of habit. It was always there, so I kept doing it. From ages 14-15 it was release. And the past year or so it was anxiety control. Nothing like a good rush of adrenaline to get you thinking straight.

I tried to get help, convince my mom to take me back to a therapist, but it didn’t work. She told me to tell her when I felt that way and she would help. But just like when I was younger that turned out not to be true. She has a habit of lying, about what she would do for me and how she would help me. And this time I remembered that fact, the fact that she lied. So I helped myself. Got myself together and promised not to hurt myself anymore. I found out about witchy things, made new connections and I finally was able to say that she wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t the reason for my moms tendency to drink or lie, that was on her.

And here I am again, in October. 

My favorite month. 

*Halloween, autumn, horror movies, and my birthday. 

My least favorite month. 

*Triggers, memories, memorials, and my birthday.

And just like every October before it, I sit in my room crying over my choice. Because one hand is busy trying to find a blade, just dull enough not to leave a scar. While the other is holding on for dear life.

I don’t know what to do.

Song of the day is Guilt Tripping by frnkiero andthe celebration.

-xohunter

Feelings.

People will always have feelings.

And ninety percent of the time, they are going to be really freaking intense.

Today was a prime example of emotions being intense and freaking scary. Last night there was a five hour skype session between Cas, Vivian, Danaal, and I. The skype started with Vivian and I, then transposed into a group skype for Danaals birthday. So many things were talked about, from college to career. Relationships happen to come up a lot for us, so that became the topic for a few hours. (I can’t say too much about the inner workings of what happened, but emotions were quite high.) Rearranging meetings, and trying to figure out how to make things work. All this happening at midnight.

After midnight rolled through, I decided I was done attempting to do dishes and  instead went to my room. There we talked more about life and each other and so much about school. People started nodding off around 3AM but Cas and I talked until 4:30 at least. And what did we so happen to center on? Relationships, more specifically my lack of one. I told her that I needed to be set up with some of the kids at her school (because I Poly's dating pool is slim to no.)

All this got me thinking about how lonely I was. I was so happy that Cas decided to keep talking with me. I miss staying up all night talking about nothing and everything. I miss the unconditional trust that comes with it. You say things to 3 in the morning that no one else knows. And Cas chose to let me be her 3AM.

Today (and it was completely unintentional, no one was trying to hurt me it just happened on the wrong day.) Brooke and Peyton accidentally ditched me. And I was shattered. But I just decided that it was okay. Brooke was having exceptional emotional issues and Peyton was just trying to be a good friend to her. And that’s good, having friends that want to help each other deal and figure out how to handle donked up emotions are good. But I wasn’t included in that. I wasn’t her 3AM.

All this got me thinking about how I have no 3AM. I have noone to tell my darkest secrets too and to just breath with. I play that part so often and I don’t want to ask for anything in return, because helping my friends is it’s own reward… But still. A

This isn’t to say my friends wouldn’t be there for me when I needed them, because they are. They just don’t know what to do when strong, dependable Hunter comes crashing down. I always rebuild myself but they don’t know what to do with the rubble while it’s there. But I know that they’d still make a valiant effort to comfort me and make things better. They just can’t.

And that’s so lonely to say.

I was really upset at Brooke for putting her feelings and problems before mine today, and then I felt horrible because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. She needed to take care of herself, Hunter. How dare you try and rob her of that? What makes you think you’re special?

The answer was nothing, and that I was being stupid. Then I got angry. I wasn’t allowed to feel hurt because my friends felt hurt. My emotions hold less value because I have so many of them? Because I have emotions so often? What makes my emotions any less valuable than my friends? Lot’s of questions, very few answers.

Those are my emotions right now. All splayed up on a pretty background. This blog post ends and another will arise eluding to this one. Talking about drama restocked and resolved. That’s all I can do here, there is no pretty packaging on emotions. The paper is crumpled and ripped, the bow dilapidated and missing a few loops. I don’t know when these feelings of loneliness will fade, or what I’m supposed to do with the swirling pit of jealousy that’s breeding in my stomach. Making me dislike everything about me lately. Not physically, but emotionally. Whenever it does go away I’ll let you know if I can.

Song of the day Stage 4 Fear of Trying by FrnkIeroandtheCelebration.

-xohunter

A Universe, Contained.

High school is often described as its own little world. A micro cosmic universe. Filled to the brim with independent social actions, classes, and repercussions. And high school is its own little world, but it feels more like a world at war.

Whether or not you know it, there is most likely a rumor spreading about you right now. Not all rumors are meant to be malicious, but often times are. I personally know three rumors about myself that are circulating right now:

1. I’m a lesbian (I’m actually pansexual.)
2. I’m a massive bitch (I can be…)
3. I’m P.C.B with my friend. (Amendment to the rumor: actually, it was that we were making out at the Farm Store??? Thank you, Nicole.)

Now, I personally could care less, but let’s focus on the last one for now. My friend (who will remain nameless and descriptionless because they are sensitive about this topic) was really upset about rumor number three. I will admit that I was upset too, though, not at the people who started the rumor or the rumor itself. No, I was upset with my friend. Why did they react that way? It was a stupid rumor made by people who read too far into things.

I spent the day thinking about how to handle this situation. Do I try and put a stop to the rumor, do I continue on like I was never effected? I was at a crossroads; the course of action I decided was to stop being affectionate all together. If that’s where the rumors stemmed from, then we cut the stem. I was planning on doing this without my friend’s knowledge but then, on impulse, I decided to text them everything.

They clarified that it wasn’t the rumor that bothered them, it was the fact that people we had never met decided that would be an ‘okay’ thing to do.

This all ties into how truly meaningless high school is. It’s drama, it’s hardship, it’s repetitive. In a year’s time, the whole experience will be wasting away in dusty scrapbook. Your diploma can’t really open any doors these days, and being in college is expensive. And even that can’t do anything! Being caught up in high school is ridiculous. Why put so much energy into something so fleeting?

But there is something about high school that does matter: good teachers. They care so much about you. They care about your success and your failure. Having a good teacher is having a family member at school, or having someone you can just confide in. Teachers can understand high school drama better than parents, because they live it too. They try their best to guide you through some of the most difficult years of your life.  

(Now I fully understand horrible teachers who do horrible things. Those people shouldn’t be teachers.)

The difference between being a high schooler and being a person is so exponentially vast that you can’t even compare them. As you get older, the two start to blend. You become more of a person and less of a high schooler. You have a life outside of school, and somehow you start to prioritize things differently.

High school is a world of its own, a micro chasm of drama and late work. And sometimes, when you’re in a strange between world, like high school.... Worlds collide.

The song of the day is Far Too Young To Die by Panic! at the Disco
-xoHunter

Lazy.

I've been sitting on this next blog post for over a week so what it contains may no longer be relevant but whatever. I never quite cared for continuity.
So, as they say, on with the show,
"Septemeber 16th 2014
Oh the melodrama.

So, this weekend was simultaneously the most tremendous accomplishment and biggest failure in existence. Spiritually it was fantastic. Revelations and cuddles were abound. In the realm of being dramatic, however, it excelled a little too much.

I’m not going to rehash the drama, as the wound is still fresh and I don’t want to offend any friends or former friends. As it stands, I’m not trying to hurt anyone.

Life is getting complicated this junior year but splendidly so. Being Edwards T.A. is super fantastic and I’m so happy I made this choice. I’m so happy that I made the choice to hang out this weekend, I’m happy that I seem to have freedom. Everything is turning up my way and I feel blessed, and humble. Last year really was my character development year, and now I get the falling action.

Junior year,

Senior year,

Graduation.

I was thinking about time the other day and the way it affects our lives. Danny, Chloe, and I have been friends since seventh grade. Correct me if I’m wrong but I've known them for four years! That’s insane, and I had my third anniversary with Brooke last week. I’m going to be seventeen in a month, next year I’m going to be an adult.

Time keeps catching me and making me rethink things. If you asked me five years ago where I was going to be, I would have told you dead. Now I won’t ever give up, not on myself, not on my friends. I feel like I’m ready, I don’t know how, but I feel like I can take it all this time and shoot it right back out. No power in the verse will stop me.

That’s why the drama isn't so devastating this time. There is no punch, it takes me back a times. Over all I just think it’s stupid. I get it though, it’s high school.

I live in a little bubble, a separate entity from the real world. There are so many adult things that I don’t have to deal with. Like this week, I figured out that a person in my life wasn't a good person (The Drama) so I said goodbye. I don’t think you can do that in adult world. I’ll probably do it anyway regardless. I don’t like rules.

That’s about it, there isn't any real hidden meaning to all this, just thoughts that have come to me as of lately.

Song of the day is Escape by The Kongos. "

Looking back I agree with my whole heart that what I wrote is true. I am confident in the direction I'm heading and in my heart of hearts I know that I will be okay, and I will do the things that make me happy.

The song for today is How Far We've Come by Matchbox Twenty.

(For a happy blast to the past in retrospect of the future.)

-XoHunter
1-22-15 (January 22nd 2015) A not so happy retrospect from a distant future. 
While everything I wrote here at the time was true, I hate to say it but, things change. There were powers in the verse that could knock me back on my ass like I deserved for being a selfish, self serving assclown. Not just that but manipulative and repulsive. I assaulted someone I called my best friend, literally imposed my will on them and just like the rules state it came back at me three fold. And rightfully so. But like I said, I'm going to be an adult this year, this was a lesson that I needed to learn. I need to change my behavior before I can move forward, and the only way to do that is by looking back and correcting past errors. The drama will more then take you back because the words you get hit with are important ones that you need to hear. You'll learn from it, and come out better on the otherside. Always remember who got hurt for you to learn though, never forget their names and faces.

Oh Goddess.

So guess who made two posts and never posted them? That would be me.
Yay.
9/8/14

So, to start, don’t be a dick to your barista. Or any person who gets paid to cook/make something. Just don’t be a dick.

So once again it’s seven and I’m making the morning commute to school. I spoke with BM this morning. You don’t know who that is… I’m trying to figure out how to explain him without giving away who that is. Just in case he reads this. Which honestly I don’t know why but I really am nervous about him reading my stuff. I know he won't judge me, he’ll probably be like “Oh that’s cool.” But still.

On the upside, I got coffee this morning. Starbucks can never hurt me.

I don’t really have much to talk about this morning since I actually went into some detail about yesterday on yesterday’s post.

Fall Out Boy dropped their new single and I all about shat myself. Seriously I’m so excited for the new album.

I’m at a loss for words and that’s new. Normally I have no trouble writing. Although Edwards had said that I need a lot of improvement in my writing (Both description and detail) If she brings back wordsmitten (It was the writing elective I was in freshmen year) then I’ll have a place to hone my skills.

Though I’ve been having some troubles with the fiction tunnel lately. Nothing of substance makes it’s way through and it’s frustrating. I’m thinking about picking up a totally stupid drabble I had going and seeing how I could make that work.

That’s really it for now, I’ll most likely update in ASC later today.

Hey there from academic support. So nothing is happening.

I’m officially no longer in PE and I am now a TA. Which is pretty exciting and kinda funny, I remember being a freshmen and telling Mrs. Edwards how I was going to be her TA. Self fulfilling prophecy.

(I think this was the 10th but I'm straight up unsure???)

Patrick Stump is so fantastic. There is no disputing this. I’m pretty sure that i'm going to listen to centuries until I start dying. I didn’t get coffee this morning and I’m feeling more tired than normal, I slept in till 6:50. That’s not normal for me, even though I feel like I'm dying I normally get up around 6:30. Maybe all that energy I spent on Vivian and keeping negative thoughts out about a certain ginger.

I’ll ask Peyton to give me some today, and I’ll shoot a text to Bobbi asking for some too.

Aside from feeling like death, today will be my first official job of being a T.A. What is a T.A. you may ask? It’s teachers assistant. I’m actually more like the TA’s T.A. low woman on the totem pole as it goes.
I need to find a central theme to today's post (there will be a double post since I was too lazy to post yesterday.) Maybe that’s what today will be about, laziness. It’s a sickness and I have it so very badly. I was messaging Vivian last night, and I happened to say,
It’s literally that I just don’t want too.”

“I still haven’t done Nav’s (Nav is history..)

It’s not even that hard

I could do it in a few minutes.

Yeah. Go team.

I think Movie Night is tonight, even though the title is pretty explanatory, I’ll give you some details. Movie Night is a free event (except the food. You have to pay for food) to help raise a little school spirit. We do little events like Movie Night because we have no sports teams. It’s pretty nice except now we have jocks and no football.

Everything is sorta low energy these days, things are brewing for The Impact. (Don’t ask me what that is, because I can’t tell you.) Everything is leading up to the big event at the end of the road. Which isn't the end at all but the beginning of something.

And now today 9/13/14

Today was basically drama. Bad people, bad friend breakups, it's kinda literally sucked ass. And it's not over yet.

But who freaking cares?

Monday will not be as bad as I think.

Song for today (And last week and again) Centuries by Fall Out Boy, I Like You Better When You're Naked by Ida Maria, Take Over The Breaks Over by Fall Out Boy

-xoHunter

Friendly Cheek Kisses.

So you may think not getting coffee isn’t a huge thing. Except I live off the stuff. I know my Starbucks baristas so well, I have a favorite. (Hi Simon!) They know me by name and know my current occupation. I complain about chem tests and they empathize. I often think about how insignificant in their lives I am. Just another regular, just another teenage girl getting coffee before school. But they play such a major role in my life. Some days are not as good as others when I don’t get to see them! That’s how much they matter to me.

How could that possibly be? Such a one sided love affair. My days don’t start without you, and yet you simply carry on. Your well oiled machine, pumping out venti iced hazelnut macchiatos (Upside down with seven pumps vanilla) and pastries, continues while I lay gasping for breath. You are my Juliet, my east, my sun! Sweet unknowing Starbucks, I’m sure you never intended for it to get this far, but here we are. I’m coffeeless, and you continue.

And what does that all mean? Look how addicted I am to the stuff. Part company, part delicious monster. Is this consumerism consuming me? Is this what George Orwell was warning us about in “1984”? No probably not, but it’s intense none the less. I’m so starved for the stuff I'm going to try and get something from the vending machine before school starts. I think high schools should have coffee machines for students. It makes sense.

3:20pm

So it’s after school now. Everything has been kinda wonderful. Lot’s of love and happy times. I had Starbucks and a Rockstar for lunch (can you say caffeine?) And Maui onion chips. The reason I mention these is because I got to share with one of my favorite people. Peyton. Tomorrow is looking good too, Edwards, time to work on Nav’s notebook, and a tutoring session with another one of my favorite people. Vivian. Everything is looking really wonderful and I’m painfully excited about that. Nothing ever works on the first try so the fact that this is, is kinda amazing.

(Honestly i just want to make a post gushing over my friends because I adore them so much.) I think this is what I need more then anything, good friends.
So some goals for the year now include:
~Find a TA job so I can not do PE

~Come home smelling like my friends (This one is weird but can be explained in a poem i’m thinking about writing)

~Write more.

~Love easy.

~Let go of the negative.

10:05pm

Honestly, things are so much different at night. I'm so tired right now, but I feel like I have a lump in my throat. I want to love them so much and I can't. I can only love them as much as they let me. And it's just not fair. I need to let the love pour out of me into the world. Let my light out into the earth and the sea.

Song of the day is Centuries by Fall Out Boy

-xoHunter

Two Days Ago.

7:30 am, September 5th, 2014.

Okay blog, time to get real.

This is happening just before school and i’m still kinda rage-y from last night. But I still want to talk about what has been going on the last two-ish weeks because I've been a bit vague. Ipoly is now in full swing and being a junior isn't bad at all. A lot of my more reluctant classmates are getting that too.  

We've had two official weeks of classes. (Though I don’t really count this week because we had Monday off.) My favorite class so far is English, no surprise there. Mrs. Edwards is a fantastic teacher and needs to be experienced by everyone. I’m not failing any classes yet, I understand it’s only the second week, but I've failed faster in the past so it wouldn't have surprised me.

I actually feel pretty content to be honest, the year is looking really bright and I’m feeling confident. Hopefully the trend continues.

Now to get into the dramatastic meat and potatoes. You didn't think that you wouldn't be informed of any drama that did happen right? There is this kid, who won't be named because I’m not here to talk shit I’m here to gossip. Which, yeah, it’s the same thing. But in my defense I’m pretty sure that talking shit is malicious while gossiping is when you don’t want anyone to be hurt.

Anyway.

They have a habit of being overly flirty and they specifically are flirting with someone I care about. Now I told this person to stop because honestly they need to focus on themselves and fix what's going on instead of delving into another relationship.

I don’t get high schoolers. They complain about everything, do nothing, and think getting into a relationship is this magical fix-it-all tonic. It’s not (FYI) being in a relationship just means you have all that drama and all those issues, and now you have someone to be emotionally invested in on top of that? No thank you. Now some of the older readers may be thinking “It’s not like that!” Well it is when you’re sixteen. Because, let’s all face it, when you’re sixteen you’re in a relationship for sex or for the magic fix-it-all. Very rarely is it because you just really like them.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people who don’t want only those things, but they are totally there.

So yeah that’s what the last two weeks have been like. And, y’know, class stuff.

I’m probably going to add to this throughout the day because I get bored. And i'm staying like 3 hours later then I actually need to. Go drama! (which I’m not technically a part of.) Maybe I’ll actually get ahead for once and have stuff to post. Work out some of those plot bunnies i’m always complaining I never get (but i get them all the time lets be completely honest.)

(In hind sight, I didn't do that)

Song of the day Cardiac Arrest by Bad Suns (Thank you Vivian)

-xoHunter

Puffy stickers and Incandescent words.

Hello.
Today is not about lighting up as much as it's about emotions.
Going to Ipoly you're forced to confront a lot of emotions, some of them very negative and uncomfortable.
Sometimes these emotions can get out of control. That's when the feeling starts. It rises through your gut and into your abdomen and you look like you're going to be see sick but your body is shriveling like it's in a drought.
that feeling is the complete opposite of how life is supposed to feel like.
And I know those feelings and they suck the life out of you.
If you're feeling that it will get better, I don't know how long it will take but it will.
I love you so so much. I only ever want you to feel that sunshine in your veins.
So if your parents suck like mine do: remember it's all going to be over soon, 18 and then freedom.
If your teachers suck: They have sad lives. They are sad people. If you feel uncomfortable or upset, go to your schools office and let them know.
If your friends make you feel like you shouldn't be alive: Dump them. They don't deserve you and you will find people who will.
Everything heals with time, even the deepest of wounds.
I love you so much,
-xoHunter

Sunshine In Your Veins.

There are somethings you just can't explain,
Like the way your heart breaks when you can't spend all your time in your favorite teachers class. Or when you light up when someone thinks of you enough to share themselves. When a friend gives you a muffin or a cookie. When someone you care about deeply, hurts you.
Some of these things make ice run in your veins, so cold that it stops your heart. Tears crystallize and you let yourself become frozen by the bad times.
But those good times. Better then any drug, better then anything. The way it makes sunshine bloom in your veins, snaking its way into your eyes. Making you glow from the inside out. Pure adoration to the world for bringing that person, or that event, into your life.
Like a song, that completely describes how happiness looks, and someone who smells like dreams. All intangible thoughts made possible by your existence.
The world loves you, undoubtedly and wholeheartedly. There is no question in my mind when the wind caresses your face, or the way the birds sing a melody inspired by you. You are the east the sunflowers turn to.
My mind is a garden filled with beautiful flowers I've been lucky to call my friends. I could never imagine in a world not being loved by them, or being hurt by them.
All this has to do with school, there has been stuff going on with the office and stuff, really meaningless stuff that I've let bother me. It has prevented me from thinking of the positive out comes. Even though I might be unhappy momentarily there will always be another good memory that rises with the sun.
I'm so happy I've gotten to meet you. Even briefly between my narrative and your readership. Thank you for being here and experiencing this with me.
I'm so impossibly happy with the state of my life. The people I have the privilege to know, and the people who want to teach me things.
Here's a happy song for you Trampoline by The Unlikely Candidates
-xoHunter

Picking Up.

So I know I said we were going to finish the summer narrative and do a three day recap. As it stands now, I have no desire to do either. Instead I'm just going to pick us up at today. I'll come home and write about it.

Things will eventually pan out, you will get to hear the story of Pre-Week and finish the summer. But I need to focus on the here and now and not dwell on the past.

Hope you understand.
-xoHunter