Feelings to a lesser degree.

Friendship is a weird thing.
You love your friends with all your heart, you'd kill for them, you'd die for them. Sometimes this message gets lost in the sea of tomfoolery that is high school. That is what is happening to me.

There are a few things you have to know about me and how I operate before my take on friendship actually makes sense.

1) I am sticky.
When I get into a relationship of any kind (friendship,mateship, new parental figureship) I will extensively evaluate who they are, what they believe, and how good of a person they are. I normally have a pretty good judge of character so if you pass my test, you are automatically in my inner circle. That being said, my inner circle is relatively small (for me anyway) because the test isn't easy to pass. Most people don't and they end up in my outer circle. What does this have to do with me being sticky? When you come into the inner circle, I will begin my spiral of caring about you. I will ask if you're okay, I will do things to make you smile, and I will fight to spend time with you. And here's where the sticky comes into play, even if we stop being 'friends' I will still care about you. It's just who I am, so from afar or through what mutual friends we have, I will ensure your emotional happiness and security. The same goes for the outer circle, it's just not as intense.
2) I am jealous.
If you make it to the inner circle and you have a datemate, or someone else who gets more of your emotions then I do, I will become vehemently jealous. I require a lot of attention. This attention can be given to me in multiple ways that are not the direct "OMFG besties." You texting me first, asking me questions/for advice, you giving me something (New poem, present, song recommendation, piece of food, hug), and finally just plain attention. So if there is someone else in your life, that's all good with me, but if they get your attention first or more then me, then I get pissy. This is my problem, and it's just sorta who I am, I'm trying to learn how to deal with it better. The thing is, when I get angry about it I come up with little things like "Why didn't you just hug me, hug me and I would have been fine." Or various other phrases. So in that sense, I'm a little high maintenance.
3)I have a habit of changing mood really (really) quickly.
One minute I'm sunshine and kittens, the next I'm a doom and gloom monsoon. This is because my thoughts (and memories) come in at a mile a minute, so one minute I will be thinking sunshine and kittens, the next I'm thinking that all my friends hate me and none of them want to be near me. This ties into jealousy because I need near constant reassurance that you love me and don't want me to go away. Like jealousy, they don't have to be huge things, one of my favorite ones is when Vivian posts pictures of songs that remind her of me. That is one of the best ways to do it, because the song gives the words for you or it's directly related to memories that will trigger a happy mood from me.
4) I can be really (really) ambitious.
When I set my mind on something, it's going to happen. I don't care about the fall out, I don't care about the discomfort I might experience. Because of this and my resourcefulness, I often times cook up some semi- dangerous scenes and sorta demand participation. It always makes for good stories though. This is sorta my bow, because it is a great culmination of all my traits. I demand my inner circle to be apart of whatever the scheme is, I get jealous when they wont, my mood goes dark, and boom angry energy and a seriously intense plan. (This can also go positively which is always nice.)

Now thing is, not all my friends in my inner circle know that they are in the inner circle. Let's face it, the fact that I have a list(circle) of who gets priory of my feelings is kinda exclusionary. So I can't just tell them that they are in the inner circle because that would be shitty of me. This creates confusion, especially when they don't (I don't want to say follow my rules, but it's kind exactly that.) I get grumpy at them. They think they are being terrible friends, and the whole thing spirals into a mess.
This is my public service announcement. This is me and how my head works. I will always love my friends (#1 Sticky) You will inevitably piss me off (# 2,3) But I will always want to have you in my life (#4). I will love all my friends until the day I get left behind, then I'll love them a little bit more.

Song of the day is Vegas by All Time Low 
Go hug your friends and tell them they mean everything.
-xohunter

Two Hands.

WARNING: the following blog post contains triggering material and detailed talks of self harm and depression.

If you're sad/depressed/hurting, please know that you're not alone and there is always help. If you're in the US please call: 1-800-273-8255 

If you're outside the US please visit www.suicide.org and find your country. 

October is a bad month for me. 

While simultaneously being the best month of the year.

The worst because this is when I’m at my lowest. I remember my dad dying, and my hospitalization. The few times I’ve tried to end my life, and the more than few times I’ve thought about it. This month is my trigger month, because it’s my birth month. And despite the progress I’ve made in the past few years (and especially the past few months.) I still can’t quite shake the fact that I wish I had never been born. It’s hard, because I've finally decided to love myself, but the idea still remains.

Ever since I was little I thought my family shouldn’t have kept me. I used to wish my mom would have never had me. Later I wish they would have left me on a cliff side like the Romans. As I got older I would come back to the notions that I should correct their mistake. Make their lives better by ending mine. I only ever saw myself as a nuisance. I only ever saw myself as this event that should never have happened.

Instead of killing myself, I would self-harm. At first it was to feel something, because I just needed to feel anything. After the first big attempt and my subsequent reveal. ( I told my mother I had been self harming the day after my birthday, four days after that on the 1st of November, I was institutionalized.) I self-harmed out of habit. It was always there, so I kept doing it. From ages 14-15 it was release. And the past year or so it was anxiety control. Nothing like a good rush of adrenaline to get you thinking straight.

I tried to get help, convince my mom to take me back to a therapist, but it didn’t work. She told me to tell her when I felt that way and she would help. But just like when I was younger that turned out not to be true. She has a habit of lying, about what she would do for me and how she would help me. And this time I remembered that fact, the fact that she lied. So I helped myself. Got myself together and promised not to hurt myself anymore. I found out about witchy things, made new connections and I finally was able to say that she wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t the reason for my moms tendency to drink or lie, that was on her.

And here I am again, in October. 

My favorite month. 

*Halloween, autumn, horror movies, and my birthday. 

My least favorite month. 

*Triggers, memories, memorials, and my birthday.

And just like every October before it, I sit in my room crying over my choice. Because one hand is busy trying to find a blade, just dull enough not to leave a scar. While the other is holding on for dear life.

I don’t know what to do.

Song of the day is Guilt Tripping by frnkiero andthe celebration.

-xohunter

Feelings.

People will always have feelings.

And ninety percent of the time, they are going to be really freaking intense.

Today was a prime example of emotions being intense and freaking scary. Last night there was a five hour skype session between Cas, Vivian, Danaal, and I. The skype started with Vivian and I, then transposed into a group skype for Danaals birthday. So many things were talked about, from college to career. Relationships happen to come up a lot for us, so that became the topic for a few hours. (I can’t say too much about the inner workings of what happened, but emotions were quite high.) Rearranging meetings, and trying to figure out how to make things work. All this happening at midnight.

After midnight rolled through, I decided I was done attempting to do dishes and  instead went to my room. There we talked more about life and each other and so much about school. People started nodding off around 3AM but Cas and I talked until 4:30 at least. And what did we so happen to center on? Relationships, more specifically my lack of one. I told her that I needed to be set up with some of the kids at her school (because I Poly's dating pool is slim to no.)

All this got me thinking about how lonely I was. I was so happy that Cas decided to keep talking with me. I miss staying up all night talking about nothing and everything. I miss the unconditional trust that comes with it. You say things to 3 in the morning that no one else knows. And Cas chose to let me be her 3AM.

Today (and it was completely unintentional, no one was trying to hurt me it just happened on the wrong day.) Brooke and Peyton accidentally ditched me. And I was shattered. But I just decided that it was okay. Brooke was having exceptional emotional issues and Peyton was just trying to be a good friend to her. And that’s good, having friends that want to help each other deal and figure out how to handle donked up emotions are good. But I wasn’t included in that. I wasn’t her 3AM.

All this got me thinking about how I have no 3AM. I have noone to tell my darkest secrets too and to just breath with. I play that part so often and I don’t want to ask for anything in return, because helping my friends is it’s own reward… But still. A

This isn’t to say my friends wouldn’t be there for me when I needed them, because they are. They just don’t know what to do when strong, dependable Hunter comes crashing down. I always rebuild myself but they don’t know what to do with the rubble while it’s there. But I know that they’d still make a valiant effort to comfort me and make things better. They just can’t.

And that’s so lonely to say.

I was really upset at Brooke for putting her feelings and problems before mine today, and then I felt horrible because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. She needed to take care of herself, Hunter. How dare you try and rob her of that? What makes you think you’re special?

The answer was nothing, and that I was being stupid. Then I got angry. I wasn’t allowed to feel hurt because my friends felt hurt. My emotions hold less value because I have so many of them? Because I have emotions so often? What makes my emotions any less valuable than my friends? Lot’s of questions, very few answers.

Those are my emotions right now. All splayed up on a pretty background. This blog post ends and another will arise eluding to this one. Talking about drama restocked and resolved. That’s all I can do here, there is no pretty packaging on emotions. The paper is crumpled and ripped, the bow dilapidated and missing a few loops. I don’t know when these feelings of loneliness will fade, or what I’m supposed to do with the swirling pit of jealousy that’s breeding in my stomach. Making me dislike everything about me lately. Not physically, but emotionally. Whenever it does go away I’ll let you know if I can.

Song of the day Stage 4 Fear of Trying by FrnkIeroandtheCelebration.

-xohunter

A Universe, Contained.

High school is often described as its own little world. A micro cosmic universe. Filled to the brim with independent social actions, classes, and repercussions. And high school is its own little world, but it feels more like a world at war.

Whether or not you know it, there is most likely a rumor spreading about you right now. Not all rumors are meant to be malicious, but often times are. I personally know three rumors about myself that are circulating right now:

1. I’m a lesbian (I’m actually pansexual.)
2. I’m a massive bitch (I can be…)
3. I’m P.C.B with my friend. (Amendment to the rumor: actually, it was that we were making out at the Farm Store??? Thank you, Nicole.)

Now, I personally could care less, but let’s focus on the last one for now. My friend (who will remain nameless and descriptionless because they are sensitive about this topic) was really upset about rumor number three. I will admit that I was upset too, though, not at the people who started the rumor or the rumor itself. No, I was upset with my friend. Why did they react that way? It was a stupid rumor made by people who read too far into things.

I spent the day thinking about how to handle this situation. Do I try and put a stop to the rumor, do I continue on like I was never effected? I was at a crossroads; the course of action I decided was to stop being affectionate all together. If that’s where the rumors stemmed from, then we cut the stem. I was planning on doing this without my friend’s knowledge but then, on impulse, I decided to text them everything.

They clarified that it wasn’t the rumor that bothered them, it was the fact that people we had never met decided that would be an ‘okay’ thing to do.

This all ties into how truly meaningless high school is. It’s drama, it’s hardship, it’s repetitive. In a year’s time, the whole experience will be wasting away in dusty scrapbook. Your diploma can’t really open any doors these days, and being in college is expensive. And even that can’t do anything! Being caught up in high school is ridiculous. Why put so much energy into something so fleeting?

But there is something about high school that does matter: good teachers. They care so much about you. They care about your success and your failure. Having a good teacher is having a family member at school, or having someone you can just confide in. Teachers can understand high school drama better than parents, because they live it too. They try their best to guide you through some of the most difficult years of your life.  

(Now I fully understand horrible teachers who do horrible things. Those people shouldn’t be teachers.)

The difference between being a high schooler and being a person is so exponentially vast that you can’t even compare them. As you get older, the two start to blend. You become more of a person and less of a high schooler. You have a life outside of school, and somehow you start to prioritize things differently.

High school is a world of its own, a micro chasm of drama and late work. And sometimes, when you’re in a strange between world, like high school.... Worlds collide.

The song of the day is Far Too Young To Die by Panic! at the Disco
-xoHunter